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Healing Beyond The Scars

scar“When you feel like quitting, remember that sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right. Sometimes you have to go through the worst, to arrive at your best.”

When I was a young teen, I had a surgery. They weren’t sure what was wrong with me so they performed an exploratory surgery, an incision straight down the middle of my stomach. After coming home from the hospital, I broke out with water blisters all around my incision, allergic to the steri-strips. The Dr. said we could take them off. The next morning I woke up and my incision had burst open. They couldn’t just sew it back up because I had been exposed to unclean air, to sew me up could potentially sew up an infection. For 3 Months I had an open wound being cleaned multiple times a day. What should’ve been a normal healing process of a few weeks, was much more intense and longer than expected. It formed an ugly scar, because of the way it healed, not a nice clean surgeon cut line. The scar was very ugly. Thick scar tissue, wide across my stomach, pulling at the skin that made it look like the scar was a sink hole and my skin was falling in. It was very embarrassing, especially to a 13 year old. I felt ashamed and ugly. But, I learned to live with it. I didn’t wear anything that showed my stomach, and I learned to just not look at it. At least it was healed and I could resume life again. 

As an adult, I had to have a c-section with my second daughter, Anna. I had prayed hard to not have to have a c-section, but then there I was. I was disappointed, I did not want another surgery. As the doctor is telling me I am going to have to have a c-section he says  ‘Good news is you are going to have a beautiful baby girl soon, and I’m going to fix that scar when I cut you open”. He even cut me differently than most so he could fix it. That scar from when I was 13 years old that had been marked with shame, even in ways I have not expressed fully here, had come full circle. The next surgery I had was not to cut out infection but to bring something beautiful into this world, and as a result removing the scar tissue that wasn’t necessary anymore, and making a clean scar that is now attached to a beautiful memory; that’s where Anna came into our world.  

Spiritual Relation Revelation:  

Sometimes our scars are good reminders that we’ve healed, that we survived whatever trauma, tragedy, or wound we endured and now we are stronger for it.

Or… We simply have tougher skin that will make it harder to hurt us there again. We have built a thick hard tissue to keep from being exposed to hurt or infection again. But sometimes, no matter how much we say we are healed, that mangled scar only exposes that while we closed the wound and we can live with it, something went wrong in the healing process. We are ‘healed’ but not whole.

I have found myself in several areas of my life struggling with some deep cut wounds. I have thought I was healed, pushed in a little and found my wound fully exposed again. I was wrong. I wasn’t ready. Took the bandages off too soon. Now it has been exposed to a toxic environment, and it’s going to take even longer to heal than before. Every time it heals over, the scar tissue is thicker and harder than before. I am thicker and tougher and harder than before.

 I do not want to be a scarred person in order to prevent others from hurting me. I feel myself being cut open again, but this time I am begging God to do the cutting. I am asking him to not cut me open just to remove what’s wrong, but to bring something beautiful out of it. To bring out the joy of my salvation, the smile and openness to my heart I used to share so willingly with others. To repair the scar tissue that once protected me, but now only serves as an ugly mess preventing me from my full beauty. I pray other’s may see the scar placed by a skilled surgeon, and not that of someone who bandaged it themselves and allowed it to scar over poorly. I want to show my scar proudly and say “this is what God has done”.

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