Journey’s With Kelly…A Marathon Adoption of Epic Proportion

The Meeting of a Sleep Deprived Mom and an Amazing New Son

Hello readers. I’m glad you’re are back to read another installment of the journey to bring Mitchell Feri home. I trust that as you read about my journey to meet him for the first time that you will see through this mom’s eyes what meeting an older child is like.

Early on a cold November morning, I unload my bags that I have stuffed to the gills with “stuff” for my boy. I have never been packed so efficiently. (That in part due to my wonderful friend, Melanie, who literally packed my suitcase for me.) I was too frazzled from moving across town to even think about how to pack. I could not wait to get on the plane just so I could sleep. The anxiety of leaving my oldest child behind for 11 days in brand new surroundings was at the forefront of my mind, but it did not override the excitement of knowing that I would see my 2nd child in just 48 hours.
As I greeted the other people that were coming on the mission trip that morning, I am sure that the excitement I felt was evident. Most of them were probably hoping to not be seated next to me. Not to worry, another “expectant mom”, Jan, would be my seat mate. Our dear Bonika Susie had already made our seat assignments.

Our flights all left on time and soon we were flying over the ocean. With every minute I was closer to meeting my little guy for the first time. In Amsterdam, at some ungodly time of day, I waited, practically falling asleep propped up by someone’s suitcase.

I am not good with sleep deprivation in any form and my body clock had no idea what time it was. Something to factor in when traveling to meet one’s child: Plan a day for sleep before you see your child. I had…….Wait till you read what happens.

Finally we boarded in Amsterdam, the last “leg” of the journey before I would land in the country of my son’s birth. We got our instructions of how to enter through customs.

We found out that we would take a 2 hour drive to a hotel in the mountains for our first nights stay. The night I’d plan for sleep. Yes, I was being smart. Jan and I could hardly believe that we could wait another day to see our kids, but at that point sleep was sounding glorious. Me, a pillow, a shower and an Ambien.

Even now I can feel the anticipation I felt when I stepped off the plane. Knowing that I was in the place of my son’s birth made me feel so much closer to him. I wanted to remember everything. Would he like me? How will we communicate? Will he want to touch me? All these things raced through my sleep deprived mind as I checked through customs. Being occupied in mind, I totally missed all the jockeying of my missions teammates to keep me and Jan at the back of the line. We breezed through customs a lot faster than I thought we should. I think someone just let us walk through. And I had went to so much trouble to pack everything in clear bags. Funny the things you remember you thought just before you met your child.
As I turned the corner into the terminal, I looked up and saw my son’s caregiver. I thought “how nice, Paul has come to greet us”. And Bonika Susie comes up behind me and whispers “surprise!”. I looked down and there stood the most beautiful 5 year old boy I have ever seen before or since. I dropped all my luggage and probably scared my little guy to death when I dropped to my knees in front of him. He had been coached, and smiled a shy smile, like he knew the secret and I didn’t kind of smile, like he knew the secret and I didn’t kind of smile. I think I asked if I could hug him, but I’m not sure. I just did and he responded with a hug back and a sweet “hello mommy”. My friends around me collected my luggage and I left the airport in Bucharest with a small hand in mine. The best feeling this sleep deprived mom could ever have.

I do not recommend meeting your child directly off the plane after a 17 hour flight, but if you must do it. Brush your teeth and get ready for the best feeling you have ever had in your life.

This installment of A Marathon Adoption of Epic Proportion is dedicated to our beloved Bonika Susie. Our friend and God Mother to our Mitchell Feri. Thank you for giving me one of the best days of my life, Sue.

(Read all of Kelly’s Journey’s by clicking on the tag below “Posted in Journey’s”)

Do You Know What Kind of Friends Your Friends Are?

Recently my husband and I met a sweet couple and had dinner with them this past week. She was sharing how God began convicting her of certain areas in her life. The place she started was with her friends. She literally went through her cell phone and would look at a name and ask herself, “Does this person lift me up or do they bring me down?” She would then delete their numbers if they did not lift her up. This reminded me of Tracy Hurst’s post: Friend Check.

You may find that maybe you do not need to cut people out of your life, but you need to protect your most sacred thoughts and feelings to only a choice few. My disappointment in my friends and family comes when I try to share my excitement about something in my life, and they do not share it back. Instead protect that, and share it with those you know will share in it with you.

You need someone who will be honest with you and be willing to confront you on your junk, but you also need someone who will always be uplifting. My sister says my best friend, Shalom, would find something positive to say to me if I had just shot someone. And it is probably true. In fifteen years, she has always seen my potential through all my mistakes. When I am doing great, she cheers me on, and when I screw up she can see how God will use it in my testimony. “Your mess will be your message”, she likes to say. If you do not have someone like that in your life, you may have to eliminate some negative relationships to make room for the good ones.

We can become disappointed in our friends when we need them and they do not come through for us, I have found that having many friends that all possess different qualities allows you to draw on the friend that can fill the need you have. Even my husband can not fill all the needs in my life. Some are gifted in bringing me meals and sending cards when there is a death or birth, while others are fun to go to the movies with. Some will pull on you more while others will pour into you. Some will laugh with you and others will comfort you. A few will be in your small circle of knowing your everything.

Identifying which friend is which will help you in the relationship you share with them. Knowing the gift they possess to bless your life will keep you from being disappointed in them. You will look to them for the thing they can give you and not for what they can not, and identify the friends that do not bless your life at all. There may be relationships that you are pouring into, but that still bless your life. We must be a river that receives and gives, so giving is still a blessing to your life. However it is important to be honest with ourselves about the type of relationship so we do not find ourselves disappointed.

I always struggled when my dad would try to tell me that I should not tell people everything about my life. When my pastor would tell me to be careful of who I was transparent with, I did not understand how to do that. I felt like in order to be “real” with people I had to be willing to be an open book. As you may know, that can get you hurt easily. I think I am beginning to find the balance between being real and not spilling my guts to everyone. The key is that we should be genuine with everyone, transparent with a few.

The “Prevention Technique”

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure ~Ben Franklin

Ever heard this one before? It applies to so many aspects of life. From managing money, to dealing with relationships. Specifically, the one I want to talk about today, with our children. Knowing how to discipline is important. Knowing discipline techniques, logical and appropriate consequences, are all important to parenting. However, there is another aspect to consider which can bring balance to parenting… Prevention.

There are many times when my child is misbehaving that I can usually attach the behavior to a chain of events. Not every time that our child misbehaves are they simply being rebellious, or “the little deviant”. We forget that, like us, their attitudes and reactions may stem from external circumstances.

When you face that moment where they are being unreasonable, and you can not understand why, ask yourself these questions…
 What is going in there life?
Have they been getting enough sleep?
Are they hungry? (Even children who can talk may sometimes be hungry or have low blood sugar and not know it)
Have you and daddy been arguing or discussing things in front of the children you might not should be?
Have you spent quality time with your child?

You would be amazed at how these things can affect your children. Have you ever found yourself in the car talking on the phone, and you realize once you arrive that you have been on the phone the whole time. I am guilty of this! Not realizing how I am letting precious time with my kids get away. When I make a conscious decision to not be on the phone and really talk with my girls, they truly seem to be more content.

As I write this it is actually evening, and my husband is on a “date” with our daughter Emily. We have both been making an effort to spend some extra time with her as her behavior has revealed our lack of attention. (That is a nice way of putting it 🙂 ) We all have a tendency to not recognize the signs, and then wonder why they are driving us so crazy, but a little reflection may show there is a simple solution.

The point is discipline and correction is not always time out, or spankings. Sometimes the discipline and correction needs to be in us as parents, and we need to recognize that as parents we can significantly reduce the misbehavior with a little prevention.

Organizing Your Time

We all have busy schedules, and the more kids you have, the older they get, the more activities accumulate. It is a slippery slope to find yourself running here and there and everywhere. With soccer on Monday and Dance on Tuesday, Church on Wednesday, karate on Thursday, and sleep overs on Friday, when do you stop as a family? When do you take time for yourself? When do you have a date night with your spouse? The answer, you don’t.

“If we fail to plan, we plan to fail”. When we fail to plan our time appropriately we allow life to get the best of us, and we forget to schedule the most important things…Us! So how can we avoid letting “life” get the best of us?

The first thing is to create a family calendar. Everyone’s activities, appointments, and meetings should be on one central calendar. This allows for you to not overlap activities. It is especially useful for spouses because I can easily see if he has any appointments or meetings as I am trying to plan things where I will need him to be with the children, and vice-versa. One suggestion is to use different colors for each family members activities. I use a calendar which has a pocket in the back. I can store permission slips, wedding invitations, etc. anything that I may need to keep close to a calendar. It is also a place to store those different colored pens so they are always handy when you are ready to write on the calendar. (We use pencils, so that it can be erased, and changed easily.) Be sure this calendar has large boxes to write in. If you use a pencil as I do you will want the paper calendar not the glossy kind. If you use the glossy kind use a sharpie, it will not smear.

The next step to organizing your time is to evaluate the importance of all that is on that calendar. So many times once we write down everything we do we can actually begin to eliminate some things. Have your child pick their favorite activity, and eliminate their least favorite. If there is not one activity that is the favorite, then eliminate the one that takes the most time from the family. For instance if your child loves both soccer and ballet, realize that soccer has a lot more practices and games than ballet.

When you are scheduling, write in the date nights, the “you” nights, and the family night. Our spouse and our children are the most important things to us, right? Yet we do not think to put them on our list of things to do. Make a point to pick a night for family night. It can be flexible from week to week, but decide what night and write it on the calendar. This is a “keep at all cost” appointment. With it on the calendar, you can honestly say “No, I am sorry we have something planned for that night.” It also reminds you and your family just like any other appointment.

The date night is the same. However often you decide to have a date night, choose the night and write it on the schedule. Don’t assume you will fit it in somewhere. If you do, life will keep that time from happening. Last but not least, write yourself on the calendar. Again, some women need “girls night out” once a week, while others are o.k. with once a month. However often you need it, don’t wait until you are pulling your hair out before you realize how long it has been since you have been by yourself, or with the girls. Make the time!

Conquering Depression/ Renewing Your Mind

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. Romans 12:2

Way before cognitive therapy, God said that we could renew our mind to live a healthy life. Replacing the thoughts that are not healthy or good and thinking on things that are positive. Phillipians 4:8 says “…whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” Why? Because as cognitive therapy suggests, replacing the destructive thought patterns with positive thought patterns will change your attitudes, your emotions, your life.

Bob Gass says to change this pattern we must first identify the cause of deppression: “Unconfessed sin is like a stone in your shoe. Get it out! No vacation, job change, relationship change, or doctor will heal it: “Your iniquities have separated between you and your God”(Isa 59:2). Greed can depress you too. King Ahab’s obsession with Naboth’s vineyard affected his entire family: “He that is greedy of gain troubleth his own house” (Pr 15:27). Constantly comparing yourself to others can also depress you. So can finding fault. “Whoso keepeth his mouth…keepeth his soul from troubles” (Pr 21:23). So can an unforgiving attitude. Fatigue is also a major cause. One U.S. President refused to make important decisions at the end of the day, insisting that rest was necessary to exercising good judgment. As great as their assignment was, Jesus often called His disciples aside to rest. He knew that when fatigue walks in, faith walks out.”

There are some key points to fighting depression in your life. Whether you are clinically depressed, or simply struggling with the emotional “blues” in life, these three things are key to finding your healing.

1) Prayer: When you release your fears, anxieties and pain to God in prayer and truly leave them there you are free to not worry about them. Sometimes we have to release them many times a day, because we try to pick them up again. But once you find that freedom and let go of the control God can move in your life in a way you could have not done on your own.

2) Through God’s Word: Jeremiah said “When your words came I ate them; they were my joy and my heart’s delight” You may not always feel like reading God’s word, but as you pray and read the word He can bring revelation and healing to you.

3) Renew Your Mind: Throughout your day there are millions of thoughts that go through your head. Be conscious not only of the words you speak, but even the thoughts you think. Paul says “…demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2Corinthians 10:5 NIV) As you think a thought that is not positive you have to make a conscious decision to stop the thought and change into a positive thought. This is renewing your mind, this is cognitive therapy.

Why Can’t God Use You?

Have you ever felt like you had made so many mistakes in your life that it was too late? I have heard people say they were too old to do what they wanted to do with their life. I have heard others have excuses that they had made choices that stopped them from the path they wanted to pursue. My husband has been a great inspirational motivator in my life. No matter what circumstances we have faced, whether our fault or not, he has always had a strong attitude for success. Our family philosophy is: “it does not matter how we got where we are, what matters is how from here we get where we want to be”.

So many times, we forget that “there is no condemnation in Christ” (Romans 8:1), both with judging others and judging ourselves. The truth of the matter is if you have made mistakes, if you find yourself in a place you were not meant to be because of choices you have made, or if you have never been positioned for success, God says all the better. When you are not “worthy” of success then God is the one that gets credit for it, and that is the way he likes it best. Recently I heard a minister point out a few things that should have held these leaders back from success. The next time you feel like God can’t use you, remember this:

Noah was a drunk, Abraham was too old, Isaac was a dreamer, Jacob was a liar, Leah was ugly, Joseph was abused, Moses had a stuttering problem, Gideon was afraid, Samson had long hair and was a womanizer, Rahab was a hoe, Jeremiah and Timothy were too young, David had an affair and was a murderer, Elijah was sucidal, Isaiah preached naked, Jonah ran from God, Naomi was a widow, Job went bankrupt, John the Baptist ate bugs, Peter denied Christ, the disciples fell asleep while praying, Paul was religious,Timothy had an ulcer, and Lazarus was dead.

~ David George – Evangelist

If God could use them, surely He can use you and me!

Separation Anxiety

If you have children older than one, for some not even that old, you have probably experienced separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is difficult for the child as well as the parent. Sometimes I think it is harder for the parent than the child. We feel extreme amounts of guilt and we feel as if we are abandoning them.

I have seen parents deal with this problem in some very interesting ways. First there is the parent that just can not allow themselves to leave until the child is calm. The problem with this is that every time the parent leaves, the child will begin to cry all over again and the parent will never get out. In essence you have only prolonged the inevitable. Then there is the drop, distract, and run tactic. This is better than the first (from a childcare providers perspective). This is where the parent pretends to be staying with the child, waits until they are distracted, and then makes a beeline for the door. Hoping the child does not see him/her leaving. The problem with this is that it can actually cause separation anxiety to be worse. Once the child realizes the parent is gone they still cry, you have only helped yourself avoid the emotions of the situation. The lesson you have taught them is to never let you out of their sight. Then even when you are at home and you walk from the room for a moment, they will be afraid that you are leaving them. They will cry, cling, and follow you every time you stand up in a room.

A stage of Separation anxiety is mostly unavoidable, even in the most independent children. At some point in their life, they will have to face breaking away from mommy and daddy. However there are a couple of ways to help the transition to be easier.

1) The earlier you start the better. Especially for stay at home moms who are with them so much, I encourage you to take as many opportunities to leave them as much as possible. I know, especially with your first, this can be difficult but if you will start around 6 months it will be easier than the tantrum throwing toddler. Leave them in the church nursery, where you are not far away. I have a gym that has childcare, so I am in the other room for about an hour. Go on a date with your husband! This is good for them and for your marriage. (I begin leaving mine in nurseries around 6 months)

2) (This is probably the most important tip in this article.) When you drop your children off don’t avoid the emotional confrontation, but don’t allow them to keep you in the room longer than necessary. When I drop off my daughter, I pick her up, tell her where mommy is going and when I will be back. I reassure her that I am coming back and that she is going to love being with the childcare provider. Even at six months they do hear you. For the first little while they will cry when you leave, but they usually stop within a few minutes after you are gone. The longer you wait to leave the harder it is on both of you, so make a clean break. This is the best way, in my opinion, because you are teaching them “mommy leaves and mommy comes back”. They see you leave, but after a few times they begin to realize that mommy comes back. Once they understand the process they become confident of mommy returning.

This actually builds self esteem and security rather than hurting it. Why? Because they realize they can do things independently from mommy and daddy but that mommy and daddy will be there for them in the end. It is a life lesson you are teaching.

If they are older when you start the process it will be more difficult, because they not only are more attached but they can throw a tantrum more “skillfully”. However, the same process will produce the same results. You just have to be a little thicker skinned.

I have heard of one extremely rare incident where a stay at home mom has been consistent with her daughter. She drops her off and the little girl cries the whole time. I have not heard of this but once. However kudos to this mom, because she has stayed consistent and is finally beginning to see some results. Although she has had a tougher time with her daughter she will see breakthrough, and her daughter will be all the better for it.

Remember, if you are confident they will be. Anxiety is contagious. If you are anxious too much you will make them anxious even more.

My Self Examination

Recently I have been analyzing myself, as I sometimes do, and in the process my relationships. The ones that are not good, the ones that have gone bad and are not on speaking terms, the good ones, the great ones. Specifically, in looking at self examining myself, I have had to take a look at those relationships that are bad or not on speaking terms. I ask myself, where did I go wrong? What part did I play in that separation of relationship? Because, let’s face it, no matter how bad someone hurt us, we all had a part in the relationships death.

Maybe it was lack of communication, maybe we tried to control the relationship too much, maybe we let them control us until we exploded. Somewhere we allowed the relationship to come into a unhealthy balance and bring separation. Separation is not always a bad thing. If it is an abusive relationship, for example, there needs to be separation. One friend that I have had since I was six has experienced many phases in our lives where we did not talk. Looking back on them we can see clearly that during those times we grew and changed only to find it beneficial to our relationship later. Changes that would not have been made otherwise. It came to a point where we would have “falling outs” and our friends would try to fix the problem. We both would simply tell them that it would be o.k.; we were both confident that when the time was right we would “kiss and make up”. (Love ya Mel. 😉 )

John Ortberg compares us to porcupines:

As a general rule, porcupines have two methods for handling relationships: withdrawal and attack. They either head for a tree or stick out their quills…They travel alone…Porcupine’s don’t always want to be alone. In the late autumn, a young porcupine’s thoughts turn to love. But love turns out to be risky business when you’re a porcupine. Females are only open to dinner and a movie about once a year; the window of opportunity closes quickly. And a girl porcupine’s “no” is the most widely respected turndown in the animal kingdom. This is the porcupine’s dilemma: how do you get close without getting hurt?

This is our dilemma, too. Everyone of us carries our own little arsenal. Our barbs have names like rejection, condemnation, resentment, arrogance, selfishness, envy, contempt….And of course, we can usually think of a number of particularly prickly porcupines in our lives. But the problem is not just them. I’m somebody’s porcupine, and so are you.

So who’s porcupine are you, do you know? Can you name them? Here is a thought: You very well may be a porcupine for the one that seems to have stuck their quills in you the most. Maybe it is someone you love the most: Have you “stuck it” to your husband lately? If we can identify the porcupine in ourselves, it makes judging your sister porcupine, husband porcupine, a little more difficult, doesn’t it? Identifying the porcupine in myself has allowed me to dull the quills, and save some of my relationships.

Yeah, I know what you are thinking, probably the same thing I thought…OUCH!