Thankful Thursday- My Family

I am thankful for fall; I love the weather and the beautiful colors it brings! I love staring at the colorful trees which are backdropped by a crystal blue sky. God is an amazing artist!

I am thankful for all of my family’s good health, and that all that we need God has provided. I am thankful for my husband, who is God’s greatest tool for taking care of me. He shows me love, encourages my dreams, and, like me, is dedicated to not only having a lasting marriage, but a happy one. 🙂

I am thankful for my Mom and Dad for giving me an excellent spiritual foundation which I pass on to my daughters; My brother, Michael, our comedian and “fun-time” in the family. I am thankful for my sister, Jo Anna, who is also my best friend, and their daughters, Sydney and Olivia. And I am thankful for my brother-in-law, Craig, who not knowing what he was marrying into, has chosen to love all of us and stick it out, not dragging my sister’s behind back to Minnesota where the sane people apparently live. (To quote Julia Sugarbaker from Designing Women, “In the south we don’t ask IF you have crazy people in your family, we ask, which side?”; mine are on both 🙂 ) I am thankful for all of my family who has strived to stay a family over the years!

Take the time to count your blessings today… What are you thankful for?

Rewards or Bribes?

Last week I spoke of setting clear expectaions for our children, and touched a little on rewards and consequences. Recently, I have been attending a parenting class at my church, and I found Pastor Justin Harley’s explanation of rewards and consequences to be very enlightening.

Many times throughout the bible God uses rewards and consequences for his children.
Deuteronomy 30:15-18 says “See, I have set before thee this day life and good, and death and evil…”(Reward and consequneces) “…In that I command thee this day to love the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commandments and his statutes and his judgments, that thou mayest live and multiply: and the LORD thy God shall bless thee in the land whither thou goest to possess it.” (Clear expectation, and rewards) “…But if thine heart turn away, so that thou wilt not hear, but shalt be drawn away, and worship other gods, and serve them;denounce unto you this day, that ye shall surely perish, [and that] ye shall not prolong [your] days upon the land, whither thou passest over Jordan to go to possess it.” (Consequences of disobedience) In the ten commandments, he tells his children to “honor your father and mother, that your days may be long on the earth.” This is the first promise, or reward, God gives.

There is of course the fear of bribing your children to behave. Let’s look at that for a moment. Webster’s dictionary defines Rewards as: a stimulus administered to an organism following a correct or desired response that increases the probability of occurrence of the response; and a bribe as: money or favor given or promised in order to influence the judgment or conduct of a person in a position of trust.

Now, if I reward my daughter for good behavior, chances are she is going to want to behave again. This is a teaching tool. It does not mean they are always rewarded. (At one time Emily did feel entitled to a treat for good behavior, or a task fulfilled. This became a problem, because she began to exhibit bad behavior for not getting rewarded. So we went for a period of time not giving her anything, breaking that mentality.) Good behavior is required no matter what, and rewards are used to encourage it. They are not used as a bargaining tool for mom or child.

Of course, the key is consistency in both consequences and rewards. If you tell your child they are going to be rewarded for a particular behavior or action, you had best not forget about it. And, if you tell your child there will be a consequence, you had best follow through. Why? Because every time you don’t follow through they will begin to believe you are lying. With consequences they will think they can misbehave, finding that line not to cross. With rewards they will not be encouraged to do the task because they do not believe they will get the reward.

Remembering that not receiving a reward can be consequence enough, I want to remind you not to promise something you want to do for them, or something you won’t want to take away from them. One thing I will not use is mine and Emily’s Starbucks trips. Emily and I go to Starbucks and we have “coffee” (she has vanilla milk, no I do not pump my 5 year old with caffeine). This is our time where Anna, Daddy, aunt Jo Jo, no one, is there except she and I (I even leave the cell in the car). We can talk and she feels so grown up, and special. And she has my undivided attention. This is not something I am going to take from her, because this is relationship building. I want her to open up and communicate with me. Why would I take that from her, and me!? So this is not a reward that I use, because otherwise it would also have to be something she could lose.

I know that rewards can be a slippery slope into bribery, but I am confident that you are a smart mom who will remember BALANCE!

The Power Of Prayer

Canon and his momFaith Builders

Today on Faith Lifts I read of a family who desperately needs our prayers. They have lost a beautiful son to complications with a heart transplant. I believe that prayer builds, and lifts up in times when we are weak; and that as Christians we are all connected to one another, even if they are all the way across the world and we have never met, through Jesus. I have never experienced the pain of losing a child, but I know it would have to be one of the most excruciating feelings in the world. So to Canon’s family we send out our deepest thoughts and prayers.

Lord, I pray that you bring healing and peace to the aching hearts of this family. We know there are so many questions, some that we will not know the answers to until we meet you face to face. I ask that you reassure this family that you love them as a father, just as they loved Canon, and you are not afraid of their questions. Help them to stand in your prescence and feel your loving arms to surround them, as they mourn and grieve their loss. Knowing that Canon is not sad but rejoicing, able to do all the things he could not do on earth. We ask that you renew their strength, and their faith. That having done all to stand, they stand. They stand on your word and your truth, that you love them and do not forsake them. Remind them of your loving mercies, and may they be a witness to others whose faith is not as strong. When we mourn it is not for those that have gone before us, but for those of us that are left behind, and today we rememeber all of Canon’s family and ask you to let them just feel the love that we send their way. Knowing that this is the hardest thing they could ever have to face.

Thank you to all who read this and send a prayer of encouragement their way, and remember to thank God for your many blessings today, never take for granted the precious gift of life that we have all been given.  “A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.”

The Well Deserved Break!

ME! @ Callaway Gardens, Pine Mountain, GaBen and I, our anniversary get away, Callaway Gardens

Ben and I finally got away, 2 weeks after our anniversary. (Kids were sick the weekend of our anniversary.) The first time all year we have been away all by ourselves, without the girls. We went to Callaway Gardens. A beautiful place in Pine Mountain, Ga. Childcare and accommodations all courtesy of my in-laws. It took about 5 minutes of dropping off the girls that I melted into vacation mode. Beautiful blue sky, and perfect fall weather all weekend! Everyone should be so blessed!

Teaching Honor to Our Children!

What is the difference between respect and honor? Believe it or not, there is a big difference. The bible says to “Honor our parents,” but there are other places where the word “respect” or “fear” is used. Now why would we “fear” God? Isn’t He loving and compassionate? Respect is more of a synonym to Fear than the word Honor. Respect has an element of fear in it. We respect the laws of the land, police officers, judges, and our parents. Honor is “treating people as special, doing more than what is expected, and having a good attitude” according to “Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes…in You and Your Kids”

“Respect acknowledges a person’s position; Honor attaches worth to that person as an individual. Respect teaches manners, and proper behavior in the prescence of others; Honor teaches an appreciation of that person.”

Both honor and respect have their place in a family. When the children are younger they need to learn respect, but as they grow older we do not want them to do right only because they fear consequence, but also because they honor and value the authority and they understand why they should do the right thing. This is what establishes long term character, and ensures them doing the “right thing” even when no one is watching.

So how do we begin teaching this to our children? First, I think we need to model it. “Say Goodbye to Whining…” used an example of a mom who was frustrated with her 14 year old. He was not disobedient, if she asked him to perform a certain task he would do it, but he was not honoring. She asked him to begin working on honoring her. Look around and find things you can do before I have to point them out to you. This is honoring his mother. So Ben and I have started trying to apply this to our marriage, and what do you know it has helped our attitudes towards each other, and in our daughter! He comes out of the office (he works from home) and is exhausted. I say, “why don’t you go upstairs and spend 20 minutes alone reading or watching the news, then come down for dinner”. Then I will ask Emily if she will help me finish dinner, set the table etc. so Daddy can go rest. I am teaching her to think of someone else, do more than is expected. Ben will not only help clean the kitchen after dinner, but empty the trash, and sweep the floors. He knows it is something I ask him to do on a regular basis, now he takes the time to do a little extra every night. This is honoring me! After Emily has finished her chores, whatever she is expected to do, we ask her to look around the house and find one extra thing she can do to help mommy and daddy. This is honoring!

Of course, respect has to come first. In teaching your children to not argue with you every time you ask them to do something, you might want to use the “Obey first and then discuss it” method. For example: “Emily, it is time to get your PJ’s on for bed” . . . “But I don’t want to go to bed yet” . . . “Obey first then we will discuss it.” Once she has obeyed you then you can take the time to explain to her that this is her bedtime, she needs plenty of rest, etc. Don’t allow your child to argue and not obey; this is not respectful, and is used as a stall tactic. Now, it is also important for you to show them that you honor them as a person. Be willing to discuss, not argue, things with them at the appropriate time. The “obey first, and then we will discuss it” method is really useful when you are in a hurry or in public, where you REALLY just need them to do something right then. However, don’t let this go to far, obviously if little Suzy needs to go potty before you leave, you do not want to discuss it in the car! 🙂

Setting Clear Expectations

Have you ever gone to a job and they said “Ok, Mrs. So’n’So, go to work!” No explanation of the job description or expectations of your performance. This would be very frustrating right? Worse yet what if that same boss came in and yelled at you, or docked your pay, because certain tasks were not performed that he did not tell you had to be done in the first place. This is also the same frustration that children, from toddlers to teens, can sometimes feel with us as parents. We take for granted what they know and don’t know as appropriate behavior.

Thus, the reason that we need to set clear expectations for our children. Telling your child up front what you expect of them can help alleviate alot of tantrums and embarrassing behavior. Avoiding the tantrum at the grocery store begins in the car ride on the way. Example (In the car on the way to Target): “Emily, we are going to Target and I have quite a few things on my list to get. I need you to help me with good behavior. I need you to stay with me and if you can’t you will have to sit in the buggy. I expect no tantrums and if you ask for something and I say “no” I expect a “yes ma’am” do you understand?” She fully understands and is prepared for what she is getting into. We are not going to shop for toys, we are not here for a field trip, we are here to do what mommy needs to do this time. You would be amazed at how effective this is.

In the past we have had some problems with Emily making comments about gifts like “I already have that,” or “I don’t like that”. This was very disheartening since we know how this hurts the gift givers feelings, and you do not want your child to be (or thought to be) ungrateful. So, first we sat and had a long chat about “it’s the thought that counts”. We explained that when you open a gift your first thought should be “Aunt Jo Jo bought this gift for me thinking of how much she loved me, and wanted to please me. This is reason enough to say thank you”. Then on the way to her birthday party we went over it again, and asked her “what is the appropriate response to someone when you open a gift? What do you say when it is a gift that you don’t like?”
She passed with flying colors and we were so proud. There was even a moment when she opened a gift that she knew we had already told her she could not have. I could see the look on her face, that “Hmmm I am supposed to be nice, but I know mommy doesn’t allow me to have this toy.” I whispered “it’s ok, just say thank you,” and she did. I could tell she was really processing the idea of being kind, and this was the most important lesson.

Continue reading “Setting Clear Expectations”

From “Dick and Jane” To “Where’s That Stupid Stork?”

While I have asked the questions of “what type of schooling is best for your child?”, I haven’t come to my final conclusions yet. I was reading over at Holly’s Corner, and she had some great thoughts on the subject of schooling. She asks “did Dick and Jane run away?”, speaking of course of the early reader books “Dick and Jane”. I don’t need to say much, she says it all, so go read her article today, and let her know how you feel about it.

I am especially excited to feature Holly this week, I have been reading her blog, and her mine, for a few months now. She is an adoptive mom and she, with her husband, have a site called “Hope To Adopt”. ( Linked from her blog as well ) While I am hoping to soon add my dear friend Kelly to my site, able to give advice to adoptive parents (or hopefuls) that I can not, Holly seems to have the same heart for adoptive parents as Kelly does. To help walk newly adoptive parents through the process, the red tape, and the emotional roller coasters that come with the whole process. Having so many friends who have adopted, and had trouble with conception, this is very dear to my heart. While I can not begin to say “I know what you are going through”, these ladies can. Knowing that the process can be so hard sometimes, I also know what a blessing children are to someone’s life, no matter how they come to you. And I know, all too well, that mother’s of unplanned pregnancy have their own, very hard, very emotional, decisions to make. Having someone that can help walk you through that decision making process is something you will never forget. I know I haven’t!

Holly’s Corner Home Page 

Take the Headaches Out of a Nice Smelling Home!

Because I am very sensitive to getting headaches I can not have alot of perfumy things in my home. But I love nice smells, so I have had to come up with some ideas to make my home smell nice without getting a headache. These are not only effective but inexpensive:

1- To get rid of bad smells, pour a bowl of vinegar and leave it over night.
(It will absorb all sorts of smells from cooking to smoke smells.)

2- Put natural spices in a pot and boil them in water on the stove.
(My sister uses Cinnamon sticks, Dried cloves, Whole Nutmeg, Orange Peelings, and it works great. My dad used to burn
potpourri on our wood burning stove and it helped put humidity back in the air as well as scenting the home just enough)

3- If you have clothes that you hang dry, hang them in a room you want to smell nice.
(The fabric softeners will quickly make the room smell fresh. I take a wet towel out of the wash, and hang it over my
shower curtain. It makes the whole bathroom have such a fresh clean smell. )

4- Put laundry detergent in your tub or kitchen sink, and leave it over night.
(While this seems to dove tail #3, the bonus to this is it will leave your tub and sink sparkling with no work!)