To Spank or Not To Spank?

Last night I was watching Supernanny. I am sure that all over the country those who watched it were stirred one way or the other. The topic, to spank or not to spank. Ouch! (no pun intended :)) Touchy subject, right? Yeah well, here I go …

I, like this young woman last night, was raised in a home where spanking was used. To say that it was used for discipline is questionable. However, I can say in my parent’s honor, it is a miracle I am alive to tell the story today. (I was not the model child.) The problem was that my mother was raised in an abusive home. Both of my parents were young when they began having kids and really only knew to do what they had seen modeled to them. Because my mom had been abused herself she did not want to spank us, or abuse us. Because of this she would wait until we had pushed every button in her, and then go off! Like this mother last night, it was more of a venting of her anger than a discipline tactic. A frustration of not knowing what else to do.

If there is not a game plan, a strategic form of discipline, before you are faced with a tantrum throwing, screaming, curtain climbing moment, even the best of moms are going to lose it. You know, I do believe in a wide range of discipline, my favorites being time-outs, logical consequences, and reward and demerits. As a child who faced mild abuse I do want to address my views on spanking.

Any form of discipline done out of order, in anger, or as this mom stated “because it makes me feel better”, is not true parenting, or true discipline. According to Wikipedia, the definiton of discipline is “any training intended to produce a specific character or pattern of behaviour, especially training that produces moral, physical, or mental development in a particular direction”. Discipline is not an outlet for your anger, it is about teaching your child.

So is spanking ok? While many, many others will disagree with me, I do believe there is a time and place for corporal punishment. I also feel that there are some clear cut guidelines as to how to administrate it. The Bible says in Proverbs 13:24 “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” I love how Solomon says he is CAREFUL to discipline. Spanking should be a carefully considered form of discipline.

First: Spankings should NEVER be given in anger. If you have to send them to their room, or choose to do it later so that you can bring your emotions in control, that is better than hitting in anger. The effects of hitting in anger will not produce the results you are looking for. I tell my daughter how many licks she is going to get, and that if she fights me she will get one added to it. This helps keep me accountable to how much is too much, and she does not resist as bad.

Second: According to Dr. Dobson in the “Strong Willed Child”, not every discipline action requires spankings. A spanking should only be given when there is a blatant defiance, when you know they understood and CHOSE to break the rule. Some also say it is appropriate if the child is doing something that is dangerous.

Third: While it is not a hard and fast rule, it is wise to use a neutral object to spank with (a small paddle). While discipline is a form of love, you do not want your child flinching every time you raise your hand. This also requires you to take the time to choose this form of discipline, rather than just reaching out and smacking in the heat of the moment.

Fourth: Never smack in the face; this is not spanking. Spank on the bottom. Spanking your children is not about showing them who’s the boss, or retaliating back when they push you to your limits. When spanking is administered correctly, however, it can reinforce a proper respect for authority.

Fifth: As with all discipline, spanking should be followed with hugs, and positive reinforcement with your words. Explain to them why they received the spanking, and that it is because you love them that you discipline them.

Because people who are abused typically repeat the cycle, it can be wise to not use spanking as form of discipline, or allow your spouse to administer corporal punishments if you feel this might be a problem. Dr. Dobson is my favorite resource for guidelines and understanding the “why” and “why not’s” of spanking. Please take the time to read his materials.

Spanking is not bad, but abuse is. While being spanked out of anger was bad, being yelled at and/or called names was worse. While we are all guilty of losing our cool, we need to put ourselves in check, even if this means walking away temporarily, and come back to responding instead of reacting.