I received two very great questions today. I wanted to pass them along, as well as my response. Thanks Becky for your questions!
Question:
How do I teach my 3 yr old daughter to defend herself from pushing, and toy grabbing friends? I want her to learn to be self sufficient with out aggressive behaviors or tattle telling. Is this possible?
Answer: Excellent question! And a tough one. I am the same way, I want my child to come to me when there is something seriously wrong, but I also want them to learn to resolve their own conflicts. Three years may be a little young, though.
I assissted a preschool teacher who would say, “I didn’t see it, work it out, or you both will go to time out”. That helps with the tattling, and alot of times the fight is not worth it to them. But occasionally you get a child who “works it out” with aggression. The thing to do at that point is walk them through the steps of standing up for themselves. Ask them what they did to resolve the conflict and have them go to the child first. Here is an example. “Emily tell Sydney how you feel about her taking your toy, then tell her to please give it back. Tell her you can play together if she will share and play nicely. THEN if she is not willing come tell me, and I will get involved.”
Remember that children do not have the social skills we do, and let’s face it, we do not like confrontation anymore than our children do! This is a learning process and they will not get it over night, but you will begin to see some of the tattling halted.
The aggressive behavior is normal, however has to be addressed. Anytime there is aggression there has to be consequences. Once you have dealt with that, and they have apologized for their behavior then you can deal with the conflict itself. If my child is the aggressor I have not allowed them to have the toy back, even though the other child may have taken it. My reasoning is to teach her that violence is never the answer even if they are violent, and it will not get you what you want.
If their is a child that is constantly aggressive to your child, you may want to talk to the parent about it. I know how difficult this is, especially if that person is a friend, family member,etc., but we will teach our children how to deal with confrontation by the way we deal with it. My sister and I each have two girls, both sets are the same age. We have to be very clear with each other about what is going on with our children. Truthfully I have had parents talk to me about Emily in different situations, and I want to know.
Question: How do you handle a 3 year old who is fighting the spanking? She is pushing us away and telling us “no”. She puts her hands in the way so that we can’t get to her legs. We are keeping our cool and keeping the communication going. How do we not make this such a dramatic situation.
Answer: I know dealing with spanking is hard. And as my sister says she knows there are times she should spank, but she can’t stand the drama of implementing it.
I tell Emily from the get go. “Emily you are getting 3 licks If you fight me I am adding two licks”. This helps alot, they know they are going to be punished for
fighting you. A good starting position (as in start out this way, don’t wait until they are fighting you) is with you sitting, and them in between your legs, lay her over one leg with her bottom in the air. Your other leg clamps on her legs, so she can not kick them. Then your arm can hold her upper half, or arms, while you give licks with your other hand.
Another tip, is you sit so that you are not using your body as a form of aggression, and make them come to you! Chasing them will make you either loose your cool or give up, thus they win, and you have lost the power.
There is some amount of resistance they can not help, because it is natural to jerk when hit. However, it is the drama that gets to me. Remember, if the drama causes you to loose it, just put her in time out if she absolutely will not come to you, when she calms down explain what she did wrong, and how many licks she is getting. She still gets the spanking because the time out is because of the tantrum itself, not the original crime. At first it will take some time involved, but it will still be less stressed for you, and she will learn to accept the punishment and get it over with.
Pastor Justin Harley, lead counselor and licensed Psychologist in my church, says “once you have raised your voice and lost your temper they have gained the control”. The same is also true for chasing them around the house. Anytime I raise my voice, I remember this, and have to regain control of myself and the situation.
you are abusing your children.
I am so sorry that you feel that way. While I know that some may not agree with spanking, as I stated in my other post about spanking, which you can read here , there is a line between spanking and abuse. I do not feel that I am abusing my children. The reason I hold them in this position is because I do not want to harm them, or them accidentally harm themselves, in any damaging way. Children naturally resist discipline, even non-corporal, but in this they may not understand that fighting me can cause them to get seriously hurt.
Spankings are reserved for serious offenses, and I would much rather spank my toddler on her bottom 2 or 3 times, than her run in the street, and possibly be hit by a car. And yes this is a real example of when I have used spanking. Lisa Whelchel said once on Good Morning America, “I would rather cause a little pain to them now from someone that loves them, than for them to endure a lot of pain later” as a result of not knowing how to listen when it is important.
This position I hold them in allows me to spank on the bottom, without hitting any other body parts they may react with. The actual hold I have on them is not hurting in any way. It is helpful to them. It also allows me to not be angry but to be thoughtful and careful in the discipline I use. I love my children dearly, and I discipline because I love them. Spanking is only one form of discipline I use.
Vanessa~ why would you make such a blanket statement without a supportive explanation? Angel simply stated one method that she uses in disciplining HER children. Whether you agree or not, it seems pretty harsh to accuse someone (especially someone you do not know) of abusing their children. She did not ask you impliment these same ideals in your own life.
You know what’s great about life? It proves itself. When you’re children are older and disciplined because spanking was a part of a disciplinary action you chose in order to socialize them, the results will speak for themselves.
Spanking is very effective with some children and not effective at all with others (Caleb and Jill’s brother Jared could get spanked and nothing would change). If controlled spanking produces change in behavior, then the proof is in the pudding. I think calling it abuse is extreme. If God says it’s okay to spank, perhaps it’s okay. Spanking may be why there’s extra padding on the bottom. 😉
I am a regular contributor to this website. Not just posting comments, but I am the writer of Journeys with Kelly. On a couple of occasions I have challenged Angel with a new thought or idea.
She has been willing and open to discuss them with me. She has a high standard for this website and her personal life. That said.
Spanking is a very personal choice and I feel that it is very important not to judge someone in this area. You do not know that persons heart. Only God sees that. We should all think before we speak or judge someone about how they raise their children. You have not walked in their shoes. Spanking may not be an effective form of discipline in your home, you may choose not to spank or may choose to spank. All of these choices will work if we as moms determine to teach our children the Godly values that we hold. Raising Godly children is the ultimate goal. All of us must find what we think is right through prayer and reading the scripture. Thanks Angel for sharing your views and being willing to respond.