Dr. Kevin Leman said “the phrase working mother is redundant”. I have also heard Dr. Phil say that the stay at home mom has the equivalent of two full time jobs, with no vacation, or clock out time. Even after the kids are in bed they are still “on call”. I know this feeling and I have a wonderful, helpful husband.
Tracy Hurst discussed her decision to stay at home with her daughter, and I know personally that she was very torn because she actually loved her job. She quoted statistics from a show she watched on Oprah about this very subject. Which you can, and should, read her post here. Go ahead I will wait until you come back…
I did not see that episode, unless it was a rerun. I did see an episode where they had the “working moms” on one side of the room, and the “stay at home moms” on the other side. It was awful, those mother’s should have been ashamed, both sides. The problem I saw was so much judgment. Working moms who thought stay at home moms were lazy or not ambitious enough, and stay at home moms who thought working moms were neglecting their children, and flat out called them bad mothers. Then you had the moms who wanted to stay at home but didn’t see away to afford it, and the stay at home moms who wished they could go get a job. But because of the attitudes that these groups had, they were torn in the middle. As I said, they all needed a good reality check.
Here is how I feel, throwing my opinion in the ring here. The Proverbs 31 woman did help bring income into the home, and took care of her children. Go ahead check it out… “She finds wool and flax and busily spins it. She is like a merchant’s ship; she brings her food from afar. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. She goes out to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard.She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She watches for bargains; her lights burn late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber.” Proverbs 31:14-18 God never said a woman could not help take care of the financial burden.
The balance to this is this: My sister has a great business head on her shoulders, but she along with me feel that while our children are young we should be at home with them. When they get a little older and are in school she may return to full time Real Estate. She is making a choice of what is best for their family in this season. Another lady I know was a very good business woman, but when her children reached their teenage years she decided that it was then that God asked her to stay at home with them. She did not have much time left, and they really needed her. Turns out, it was the right choice for her!
I could not care much less for business. I help Ben some with his business, but I love taking care of my family. I am very busy, we are very involved with the kids and church. I do have my own projects and things going on. (This site is one of them) But my true heart has always been to be a wife and a mom. There are days when I want to pull my hair out, and I think “I am just going to go get a real job”, but the next day I wake with a fresh start and know this is what I want.
There is nothing wrong with working, there is nothing wrong with staying home. The key comes back down to balance!
No condemnation, No judgment, just what do your children need!
I think the hardest thing is when you have to work, debt in our country is ridiculously forcing the two income trap. There was a time after Ben and I were first married that I had to work. I hated it, I hated my daughter being in daycare. But my sister would occasionally come and pick Emily up and take her to the park, or just home with her and her daughter. That made things so much easier for me. Then, until recently my sister was taking care of kids in her home for a few years. When it came time for our girls to start pre-school she was so upset, because she knew that she would not be able to take Sydney or pick her up. So I said, “Jo you know I have to go there anyway”. For a year and a half I would pick Sydney up and drop her off. This took the burden off of my sister of being torn between what she needed to do and her wanting to be there for her daughter. She did not have to worry that her daughter was missing out on anything.
My point here is, if you are blessed to be a stay at home mom, even if it is because you have made some serious sacrifices to do so as we have, try to put yourself in the working mother’s shoes. Whether or not she wants to work or has to work, she obviously feels torn. I do not understand why we can’t help a “sister” out. Help make it a little easier on a working mother, if only to take her child out of after school care and home with you every once in awhile. What a treat for the child and the mother. And to the working mother, be willing to be grateful to those stay at home moms. They are busy being your child’s room mom, your child’s volunteer after school activities worker, and an array of things they choose to do that inadvertently benefits your child. After all, it takes a village, right?
Hi Angel,
I think this is such a great explaination of the balance we as women have to strive for in our work/family lives. There is, however, another group of women emerging, those women who choose to work from home. These women are standing up and saying, “We can have it both ways.” Many of these women have jobs related to the internet world (much like what you are doing), and this affords them the opportunity to work during hours when their children are resting, or involved in other activities. I am sure this topic could result in a whole new debate as to whether these women are devoting enough attention to both their jobs and their families, but there are some who have found a way to strike that delicate balance. Many of them have hired part time help with their children during parts of the day, so they are not running rampant through the house unsupervised, yet the mother’s are still there, able to monitor what their children are doing, watching, and eating, which is so important in today’s world. I think these women are paving the way for so many more mom’s who are forced into the workplace due to finances or choose to work, following a passion in their hearts. They are showing us the way to be able to bridge the gap between such a divided group of women. To them I would say…”Charge on, Sister!!” : )
Great post Angel and oh so true. It is all about balance.
We were one of those families that bit the financial bullet and I stayed at home as soon as we had kids. Until then I worked, but before we married we agreed that I would stay home once we had children. My husband left a career he was/is passionate about and moved into sales and now owns a mortgage broker firm. He likes his work,but he does it because it allows us the lifestyle we choose. I have been blessed to “work” off and on as a wedding consultant and if the need arises I can pick up work that way. It is about the seasons in your life. We have one coming to a close at our house. Next year our oldest son will attend formal schooling for the first time. (We have homeschooled for 5 years) I will feel like I have had a vacation just with him in classes 2 days a week. Being a mom is all about the way you approach the season in life you are experiencing. You do what is best and let God take care of everything else.
I definitely have to agree with you on that angel. It is unfortuate that as women we are judging each other on this matter. And, our society has made it hard for a mother who wants to stay home cannot because of the increase of life economics. However, balance is key in everything that we do. And, I believe that God will always make a way when it time to either go back to work or stay home.
Well written Angel. As with all things, people tend to get so spun up and white knuckled about their opinions that they lose the ability to see what the real issue is. Judging is so easy, but I don’t know a single woman out there who doesn’t need and appreciate a helping hand from another sister!! ;o) I also enjoyed your last post about the gossip circle – – -so true, so true!
Hugs,
Holly
Holly’s Corner
I’ve done a whole study on a blog about the Proverbs 31 woman and was so pleased I did it. Women are allowed to work at home and bring up their families at the same time. I’ve been at home for almost 13 years now – before the internet and in those days I was looked upon as someone who was doing a little ‘hobby’ on the side and earning some extra money. I was not taken seriously. Very different today and I’m regarded as a professional in my industry of Virtual Assistance. My 5 daughters have grown up with me at home and I’m so glad I decided to do it – at a time when it wasn’t the ‘norm’!
Thanks for a beautiful message. I love that passage you shared, I need to think of it in terms of how it applies to myself…and my community of Start Up Princesses (mostly WAHMs), women who are trying to bring some income, share their gifts and create something to make the world a better place….I will share this idea with them. Blessings, Kelly
Thank you very much for the message. I am a 26 year old engineer. My husband and I really want to have children. I do not want to give up my career.Even though his mother is trying to push me to. I thought that if I did not give up my career I would be considered a bad mother. Your website helped me to undersand that I can have both without risking the developmental growth of our child. Thank you for pointing out Proverb 31. I am going to post it in my cubicle.
This was a wonderful, well written blog. I am a stay at home mom who wishes she could go back to work!! The decision was made mutually between my husband and I. My husband is currently in Iraq and we thought it would be best if I stayed home with our baby, now a toddler, because he is already missing out on one parent not being around. We didn’t want him to miss out more than he needs to with me. Once he returns though, I do plan on going back to work but I haven’t decided full or part time. I am currently attending school online.