Freedoms greater than self control = Developmental Confusion
Freedoms less than self control = Developmental Frustration
Freedoms equal to self control = Developmental Harmony
“On Becoming Toddler Wise”
Freedom = Responsibility. Recently, my sister confessed that she does not give her five year old enough responsibility. My sister is the oldest daughter, second to my brother, who let’s just say, bailed on the oldest child responsibilities. Jo was overburdened with responsibility as a child, and has at times felt frustrated at not having that much of a childhood. (I have often told others she was my second mother.) She admits this has an effect on her not giving her oldest daughter more responsibility. One morning she gets up to find that her daughter has unloaded the dishwasher completely, and stacked the dishes she could not reach on the counter under the cabinets they belonged in. She was shocked to find that her daughter could even do this. I think a lot of us would be shocked at what our children can do. The point is her daughter was not given responsibility, she took it, which was a sign to my sister that maybe she needed it.
Giving our children responsibility may be difficult; they may even balk at times, but it is important for them to feel a part of the family. They need to feel that they are contributing, and that they have a sense of purpose. There have been times in my life where Ben, my husband, will cook and clean dinner for me to give me a break. In the times when all I have to do is sit in front of the TV, I become restless. Although part of it is that I am not used to doing this, I feel as if I am not contributing. If Ben always treated me this way, never allowing or expecting me to do anything, I would begin to feel unnecessary to the family. Although our children cannot intellectualize this thought, the feelings are still the same.
This truth is the same with toddlers to teens. As we implement this, however, we must be careful to strike the balance. For instance, Emily (5) can clean her room on her own; Anna (2) still has me standing over her telling her where each toy goes, yet the praise she receives is still the same. Each one is living up to the development of her age. If I was still having to stand over Emily she would not be living up to her potential. Likewise, if I was getting frustrated that Anna cannot do it on her own, I would be enforcing unreasonable standards. (Here I must add, if your child is 5 and you have not started teaching them how to clean their room, they do not know how to do it. Don’t become frustrated with them either.)
The Academy of Pediatrics says these things are all crucial to building their self esteem:
A sense of responsibility. Give your child a chance to show what she is capable of doing. Allow her to take on tasks without being checked on all the time. This shows trust on your part, a sort of “letting go” with a sense of faith.
A sense of contribution. Your child will develop a sense of importance and commitment if you give her opportunities to participate and contribute in a meaningful way to an activity. Let her know that she really counts.
A sense of purpose. Your child should have goals that give her purpose and direction and an avenue for channeling her energy toward achievement and self-expression. If she lacks a sense of purpose, she may feel bored, aimless, even resentful at being pushed in certain directions by you or others.
Responsibility is a key to a child feeling like they are a welcome member of the family. Every child’s level of responsibility is different even if they are close in age. I would expect my 9 year old to do certain things that I would not expect of my 7 year old even though the physical capability may be there. The emotional responsibility is not. Making your child responsible helps them to understand the natural consequences of not completing a task. Today, I truly wish, I had no responsibilities. But alas….I am a mom. Enough said.
As I sit here to and read this. I have to laugh because our son and daughter want to do more. They want to put on jackets on by their selves, and other things too. It is hard as parents to let go. Because, we think that they cannot but they do surprise. So, we do encourage more now. And, praised them when they have accomplish their task.
Stephanie, As far as the coats and things that have to be done as we are walking out the door, I totally relate. It is not so much a letting go thing, as a patience thing, in this case. It is hard as moms to be so busy sometimes we want to do it for them, because we can do it faster. It takes longer to let them do it themselves. I hate it, but I do have to slow down and let them do it for themselves. It helps to get them to start putting on their coats a few minutes before they actually have to have them on. 🙂
I liked this entry. I would also like to see little boys taught that they are equally responsible for household chores like cleaning out the dishwasher or setting the table, so that when they are older they don’t EXPECT that whomever they marry is now responsible for “girl chores” but they appreciate the help they now have to do laundry, cook, clean, etc. The guys should feel equally responsible for helping out, not feel that we are lucky they’ll get up from the game/xbox/computer to contribute. Women have a lot more on their plates than they use to as career mothers.
Plus, is there anything more attractive than a guy who drives a truck but can work a room with a vacuum without being tkept after when you’re getting ready for company? I’m going to give my boys an edge. Hm, mm, that’s right.
If I ever have a boy, I will try my best to be equal in teaching him as much responsibility to mow the lawn, as to unload the dishwasher.;)
Angel, You better teach the girls to mow the lawn too.
There are days when I wish I would have been taught those things.
I am such a pansy with the lawnmower.
I guess I’m doing ok with my boy. He unloads the dishwasher and sets the table. Not ready for him to do the laundry yet.
Some young lady will thank me one day.
Oh I will teach my girls to mow the lawn, interestingly enough last summer I mowed the Lawn. My niece Sydney was over, and Emily and Sydney laughed at me telling me how silly I was. My sister later told Sydney “Your aunt Angel mowed lawns long before Uncle Ben came along”. In our house the girls knew ow to do both, but somehow the art of laundry and dishes escaped the boys!