The Power of Our Words…

Have you ever found yourself telling your spouse or someone about something your child did that day and finding that they begin repeating the behavior even while you are discussing it? For example I tell my husband how cute it is that if I say we are going to music class Anna begins saying the teachers name over and over, as I am telling him this she begins saying “La-La, La-La” (Mrs. Lauren, or Mrs. La-La as we call her) and giggling. We then smile and laugh at her.

Now, that is cute right? Have you ever been on the phone with a spouse and said “She is driving me nuts” or “You would not believe what he did today?”. O.k., well if you won’t admit it I will. I am guilty. I have done this. I am stuck in the car and one or the other girls is driving me crazy, I am on the phone with my husband or sister and vent away. (Anna loves to put her hands on Emily, and hear Emily say “Mommy Anna is touching me”, Anna proceeding to cackle laughing, knowing I can not touch her.)

I have noticed that if we are discussing Anna’s behavior and she is in ear shot she will repeat whatever behavior she hears us talking about. Why? Because she has received attention for it. I have experienced the same thing with Emily as she shoots me a look to see what I am going to do about it.

I began an experiment. I would purposefully mention things at the dinner table about how much I loved Anna’s hugs and kisses. She would get down from her seat and crawl on my lap to give me hugs and kisses. In fact Emily would do it as well. After all Emily wanted me to love her hugs and kisses too. I would talk to Ben as if Emily were not in the room and mention how much I appreciate all the help Emily gives me around the house. Before I knew it she was asking for ideas to help me, wanting to change Anna’s diaper, and unload the dishwasher! (Did I mention that my five year old can unload the dishwasher!)

We all know positive reinforcement works, and the opposite is also true. I realized the power of my words. Whether I realized it or not they were repeating the behaviors I was focusing on, the behaviors that had me talking about them. We often get caught in the trap of “venting” and do not realize how much we are simply creating a pattern for repeat behavior.

Give it a try and see how well it works for yours. At dinner or some point when your whole family is together, find a positive thing about each child you would like them to repeat. Then, tell your spouse about it, brag on them, and see what kind of results you get.

(By the way, this works on spouses too. Mention to someone in their presence what you appreciate about them, brag on that ‘extra’ thing they did around the house for you, and see if you do not get a repeat behavior.)