If you have children older than one, for some not even that old, you have probably experienced separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is difficult for the child as well as the parent. Sometimes I think it is harder for the parent than the child. We feel extreme amounts of guilt and we feel as if we are abandoning them.
I have seen parents deal with this problem in some very interesting ways. First there is the parent that just can not allow themselves to leave until the child is calm. The problem with this is that every time the parent leaves, the child will begin to cry all over again and the parent will never get out. In essence you have only prolonged the inevitable. Then there is the drop, distract, and run tactic. This is better than the first (from a childcare providers perspective). This is where the parent pretends to be staying with the child, waits until they are distracted, and then makes a beeline for the door. Hoping the child does not see him/her leaving. The problem with this is that it can actually cause separation anxiety to be worse. Once the child realizes the parent is gone they still cry, you have only helped yourself avoid the emotions of the situation. The lesson you have taught them is to never let you out of their sight. Then even when you are at home and you walk from the room for a moment, they will be afraid that you are leaving them. They will cry, cling, and follow you every time you stand up in a room.
A stage of Separation anxiety is mostly unavoidable, even in the most independent children. At some point in their life, they will have to face breaking away from mommy and daddy. However there are a couple of ways to help the transition to be easier.
1) The earlier you start the better. Especially for stay at home moms who are with them so much, I encourage you to take as many opportunities to leave them as much as possible. I know, especially with your first, this can be difficult but if you will start around 6 months it will be easier than the tantrum throwing toddler. Leave them in the church nursery, where you are not far away. I have a gym that has childcare, so I am in the other room for about an hour. Go on a date with your husband! This is good for them and for your marriage. (I begin leaving mine in nurseries around 6 months)
2) (This is probably the most important tip in this article.) When you drop your children off don’t avoid the emotional confrontation, but don’t allow them to keep you in the room longer than necessary. When I drop off my daughter, I pick her up, tell her where mommy is going and when I will be back. I reassure her that I am coming back and that she is going to love being with the childcare provider. Even at six months they do hear you. For the first little while they will cry when you leave, but they usually stop within a few minutes after you are gone. The longer you wait to leave the harder it is on both of you, so make a clean break. This is the best way, in my opinion, because you are teaching them “mommy leaves and mommy comes back”. They see you leave, but after a few times they begin to realize that mommy comes back. Once they understand the process they become confident of mommy returning.
This actually builds self esteem and security rather than hurting it. Why? Because they realize they can do things independently from mommy and daddy but that mommy and daddy will be there for them in the end. It is a life lesson you are teaching.
If they are older when you start the process it will be more difficult, because they not only are more attached but they can throw a tantrum more “skillfully”. However, the same process will produce the same results. You just have to be a little thicker skinned.
I have heard of one extremely rare incident where a stay at home mom has been consistent with her daughter. She drops her off and the little girl cries the whole time. I have not heard of this but once. However kudos to this mom, because she has stayed consistent and is finally beginning to see some results. Although she has had a tougher time with her daughter she will see breakthrough, and her daughter will be all the better for it.
Remember, if you are confident they will be. Anxiety is contagious. If you are anxious too much you will make them anxious even more.