“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2Timothy 1:7)”Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
(Phillippians 1:6)
My husband just got home from traveling to conferences the last two weeks. We have not really been away from each other for more than about a night or two since before we got married almost five years ago. He was gone for a week, home for a few days, and then gone for another week. Though I was blessed to have in-laws (My sister in-law Corrie, and mother and father in law) that traded off with the girls so I only had one at the time, I was glad to see all my family home last night.
With him being gone for so long I was able to see how much God really has changed in me. In the last year I knew God had been dealing with certain things in my life; Loving not judging, forgiving hurts, letting go of control over certain issues, etc. But it wasn’t until my husband left me for two weeks that I realized just how much I had changed.
You see all my life I have never liked being alone, in fact I have feared it. A trait my mother has passed down to me. To this day she will tell you she is terrified to go into her own home after dark if my dad is not with her. She lives in the fear of my dad dying and her having to live alone. After 37 years of marriage I can understand not wanting to be without him, but this is fear that grips her, and it was beginning to grab a hold of me. I have seen how this fear has crippled her in her life, and I would pray for God to help me overcome that. Before we were married, and Emily and I stayed alone for a few months, I hated to see Ben go at night because of my fear. When he has been away from me, I would push through because I did not want to be a “scaredy cat”, but I would lie awake all night and hear every bump in the night. My outside light is motion sensitive and when the wind would blow the flag the light would come on and my dog would go to barking. My heart would be in my throat and it would take 20 minutes or more to bring my heart rate to normal, but usually in the mean time he would bark again.
The last year has truly been a journey of finding myself, again. I have wanted to know who I was apart from Ben, so that I could be all that I needed to be with him. (Marriage is not 50/50 it is 100% you and 100% him. I wanted to be that 100%) While he was gone I discovered something that I was not consciously trying to change. The fear was gone! I slept like a baby. There were not all the thoughts of what could happen, or how I would handle an intruder. I was not playing out scenarios in my head. There was just peace.
People would ask me if I missed him, and yes I did, but not in the way I used too. I wasn’t desperately waiting for him to come home so I could sleep again, and I wasn’t worried about what he was doing. I felt safe and confident that God was protecting me, and with me, the same way he is when Ben is home.
With Ben home I am thankful to be with him. I missed cuddling with him at night, but because I missed him, not because I was afraid of being without him. It is a liberating feeling. It is not an “independent, I do not need him” mentality but instead; “it is o.k. for you to go and do what God has for you to do, because God is taking care of both of us”. And needless to say, it is healthy for your marriage. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”, after all, and after two weeks apart he was ready to be home. He remembered why “It is not good for man to be alone” 😉
It is amazing at what God will do in us and for us, if we only allow him to pull us out of our comfort zone. He is giving me a confidence that I have never experienced before, an inner strength that I have never had. “Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.” (2Cor. 3: 4-5)
If you are struggling with this fear, there is hope that you do not have to be captive to it. If He can set me free, He can also set you free!
Good for you! I share some of that same fear and have also been working on it. We will find out how well I have done later on this year when my husband goes on a hunting trip….you are right though God can work wonders if you let Him
Gosh, as much as we are alike, I think this is one of our differences. I live in DC by myself. However, it was either that or the drama of living with someone else. I got over the fear of living by myself!
This is my kind of entry.
Interestingly, when Ben read this he said He had no idea I struggled with it as much as I did. I said “well, yeah, like I said I did not want to be a ‘scaredy cat’.”
Shay, the reason we are different in this is probably because, like you said, you have been forced to deal with it. I have not been alone much.
What an awesome post. My SIL need sot read this. She has issues with fear, specifically being alone at night. When her hubby goes out of town, she has girlfriends to come and stay with her.
Love your blog!
I have been working on almost the same things in my own life. I want to be the wife that my husband dezerves, a loving, kind,trusting and forgiving wife.