I have found an excellent new resource: Reality Parents. They have a weekly podcast, featuring topics that concern parenting. Their “Week 7” podcast discusses the issue of working mothers versus stay at home mothers.
I wrote about this here a while back, but wanted to add a few more comments, since it is still such a huge topic.
Terri and Kevin say there is a new term for moms now: “the Alpha” and “the Beta” moms. The “Alpha moms” are in everything. They work, they do every social thing, they have lots of hobbies, and they are in every bake sale, fundraiser, and on and on. The “Beta moms”, on the other hand, have a much more relaxed approach. They are typically stay at home moms, and focus more on family and not so much on other things. (Personally, I feel I am somewhere in between. We must coin a phrase for “hip” moms, who do what they can, but do not get pressured into doing what they shouldn’t. Hmmmm, maybe “Smart moms” 🙂 )
I totally agree with everything both Terri and Kevin say in their discussion. I like the balance that they both brought to the table. They stressed their point that being a mother is the greatest thing to do, and nothing is more important than that, yet expressing that somewhere there has to be balance between the “Alpha mom”, who doesn’t seem to take a moment to breathe, and the “Beta” mom who seems to be so focused on not being “Alpha” mom that she actually is opposite extreme. I myself firmly believe that being at home with my children, especially during their formative years, is very important. With that said …
Since as a Christian we tend to look to the Proverbs 31 woman as an example, I would like to point out the fact that she did work.
“She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.” (Proverbs 31:16-18 NIV)
But she had help! She provided for her servants, which meant she had someone helping with the day to day duties of the household. I personally know a woman who is a doctor, and I very much admire how she balances her professional career with that of being a mother. She works three days a week as a pediatrician, and is with her children the other four days. She has a live-in nanny, and her nanny does the grocery shopping and errand running on days she is not keeping kids. I love this. She gives plenty of focus to her children while balancing her career, and she still ensures that the household is run well.
My decision to stay at home with my children was/is not based on economics. If it were, I surely would be working a full time job outside of my home. When my husband and I decided that I would stay at home with our kids, my husband had only a modest salary at best, but the way we approach these kinds of decisions is that we decide what is best for the family and then figure out how to afford it. I have seen many times in my life, both as a single mom and as a married mom, that as I make decisions for my family based on what I think is best for us, God opens the doors to make a way.
I also am a firm believer in a woman being fulfilled not just through her children. If we are complete within ourselves, we will ultimately give more to our children. This is not a license to be selfish, mind you, but there are ways to give completely to your family and still do all that you desire. You may have to be creative, or put some things on hold while your children are really young, but it is important to pursue your passions. I believe if your career is truly a passion, then there will be ways you can fulfill it without sacrificing your family. For instance, this blog is my way of ministering to other women and an outlet for my passion, but it takes nothing from my family. I have a dear friend, Tracy, who was a teen counselor before she had her daughter. While she struggled with leaving her job as a Christian counselor, she ultimately decided to focus on her daughter for a few years, realizing that her job would be there when she is ready to do it again. However, she also has her own blog and church ministry as a way to still give out, and plans to do stuff for teens in the future.
I think my biggest complaint with this debate is that so many make it an either/or choice when that is just not the case. If the two income trap is the issue of not being with your kids enough, there are alternatives if searched out. If it is about pursuing your passion and fulfilling your needs, I am all for that. But again, you may have to become creative and flexible as to how you release that gift and talent during the short period of time that your children need you.
Ultimately, whether you work or stay at home I think it comes back to what I stated in this post:
It is a mother who cares to invest the most into her children, and no one can be paid enough to have that. It is not something to be developed but a God-given thing given to mothers the day they conceive their child. Whether you work outside or inside the home, the point is that you as a mother will lead, influence, and teach your child the most, and no one can change that.
I just stumbled across your blog on the web. Your description of alpha and beta moms couldn’t be more true, and I pretty much laughed myself into a pile on the floor while reading it.
It sounds like you are involved with some pretty time consuming fundraisers and I wanted to share a neat fundraising idea a friend of mine sent me last week that might save you a ton of time. It’s a free program called iBakeSale. The program helps people or groups raise money for various cause large and small by spending at hundreds of retailers they have in their program. It turns everyday spending into fundraising and takes the need away from doing more time intensive things like bake sales and raffles. I just wanted to share because I’m using it for a variety of groups I’m involved with and love it. It makes grass-roots fundraising easy and free. Check it out.