Back To The Basics

I have found myself in the eternal battle between mother and toddler. If I say the color of a tomato is red, she says it is purple. I know better, yet somehow I have found myself sucked into this vortex of toddler world… “uh-uh”, “uh-huh”, “No, it’s not”, “Yes, it is”…Does anyone know what we are even arguing about? She doesn’t care, only that when mama goes “AAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”, she has won! 😉

I have been saying for quite sometime now that my daughters are completely opposite of one another. Anna seemingly so much more argumentative and defiant, but what I came to realize recently is that the problem is not her… it’s me! Oh yeah, that stung. Anna will be 3 next month. She has been sharing a room with her sister, and sleeping in a “big girl” bed for well over a year now. Yet, for the last 6 months or so she has decided that she needs to get out of the bed at least 3 or 4 times within an hour, get a spanking each time, and then wait for Emily to come to bed so she can antagonize her. She does not want to potty train, “Nope, I am a baby I wear diapers”, she insists.

It does not matter what the topic, it is going to be a battle. We thought with the bed time, maybe if we tried rewards instead of discipline, nope she could not care less. (And I was prepared to offer Disney World, ok.) With the potty training, maybe if we just crack down on her instead of rewarding and being sweet. You know, drill seargant potty camp, every 5 minutes you are on that potty, missy! Nope, she would poop in her panties at 4 minutes and 59 seconds. Over the holidays, with both my husband and I at home; we BOTH found ourselves wondering if we had should have stuck with the one kid, I mean we were on such a roll! 🙂 But seriously, we knew somehow something had to give.

Every January our church together participates in a 21 day fast. So this month one of the top things on my list has been for God to give us some direction on how to get through to my daughter without killing her. (Duh. Praying for my children, what a concept. right?) Well, it did not take long for God to tell me this was not Anna’s problem, or that she is so much more defiant than Emily, but that this was my problem.

See, I had forgotten some very basic principles of parenting that I knew but had not been practicing. God reminded me of a few things, and Ben and I decided to shift our attention off of her and onto us. One week ago we committed to these things:

1) To have a before bedtime routine. Children can not tell time, the events of the day and evening dictate to them and prepare them for what is coming next, thus the need for routine. Having her get in her PJ’s, brush her teeth, read a few bedtime stories and say our night prayers prepares her 15-20 minutes ahead of time to go to bed.

2) To have couch time. I told you yesterday what 15 minutes can do to change your life. Couch time is a “Baby-wise” principle that we learned when Emily was an infant, but had gotten away from. Children need to know that their parents, the central part of their existence, are unified. It brings them security in knowing their world is safe. “Couch time” is fifteen minutes that daddy and mommy sit on the couch, uninterrupted (no phones, no t.v., no computers, and children play somewhere else), and give each other their full attention to discuss anything. This allows the child see their parents spending time together and that they are unified.

3) To completely let go of Potty Training. (This we had already pretty much done. I was sick of the battle) We knew she knew how to use the potty, this was a battle of the wills. We decided she would not be 5 and peeing in her pants. So we let go, quit asking her at all about it.

By applying these 3 things to our life, basic things we already knew, we have already begun to see dramatic changes in her behavior. She has been down to getting out of her bed once at night, at which point we make her sleep in the pack and play because “big-girls” stay in their bed. Last night, I was not at home, Ben said she did not get out one time. This is huge breakthrough! We were dealing with one and two hours of fighting to get her to stay in the bed, and screaming and crying by all three of us. 🙂

The biggest breakthrough however, is the potty training. Wednesday last week, only 3 days after we began applying changes, she woke up and asked if she could wear “big-girl” panties. I said “sure, if you want too”. I did not make a big deal out of it. Within about 30 minutes she went to the potty and peed! She has had on panties for 5 days. She has worn them to Mommy’s Morning Out, and church, staying dry. She has only had a few accidents, which is to be expected, but she insists on wearing them so we put them back on her!

So here is my advice or tip for the day if you are in the vortex of toddler battles: go back to the basics. This may not mean the same for you as for us, at least not the three things we committed to. I mean get back to the first basic, PRAYER! Ask God to show you what is going on with your child, what he/she needs. God knows more than they do, even if they could verbalize and express themselves, what they need.