I read parenting books, and seek parenting tips all the time. Just like you I am always seeking out the best way to be the best mom.
I have found that some of the best parenting advice does not come from highly educated therapist, but from mothers who have raised their children. Even if their children did not “turn out great” they can tell you where they went wrong, the different choices they should have made. It is the pattern God has designed for us, to look to the elders to guide us.
Thus I share something I have, through trial and error, figured out. (Not that I am an “elder” or anything 🙂 ) My children are unique. They do not respond the same way to the same disciplines. One is more sensitive than the other. One seems to be more secure than the other. One can be spoken to in a stern voice while the other will need “physical contact” before she yields to correction. This is why trial and error can be so important, because what worked for one child may not work for another. (I have found this to be especially true with mothers writing about their potty training experience,which I am going through now with Anna)
This does not seem to be a huge revelation, we know our children are different but when it comes to that moment of discipline we tend to fall back to our “old faithfuls”. I have especially exhausted myself recently with Emily. I have realized that not only is it true that what works with Anna does not work with Emily, I have also found that what worked with Emily a year ago does not work now. Creative Parenting is constantly seeking new ways to teach your children and discipline them in such a way that they not only feel the sting of the moment, but that they learn a life lesson that will stay with them. Why is it so important for her to listen the first time? Because in a moment she could be in danger and not listening the first time could cause harm to her. Not only that, but one day she is going to have teachers, employers, and others that are going to need her to do what she is supposed to do. They are not looking for debate, or her to have to be told several times to do something before it gets done. This prepares her for her life, a tool that will help her avoid certain struggles when she is grown. That is truly training a child in the way they should go. (Proverbs 22:6)
As you discover what will work best for your children here are a few guidelines:
1) Be sure there is not abuse. Strive to not allow the discipline to come out of anger. One way to do this is to discipline quickly rather than allowing them to push you or drive you “nuts” before you act.
2) Be sure that the discipline is not humiliating. You want to teach them, not shame them. Yes, sometimes discipline is embarrassing, but shame is different. Shame strips confidence and the healthy pride your child holds, leaving scars that may stay with them. Embarrassment causes temporary red face that will be forgotten.
3)Be sure to be consistent. While the methods of discipline may change, from time out to a lost privilege, the consistency is to carry out the discipline no matter what. Especially if you have set forth the rule “We are not going swimming” you must not allow them to cry, or worse be sweet, enough for you to cave in. (We were notorious for being sweet to our mom long enough for her to forget that she grounded us)
By the way, just to share…The thing with Emily has been no spanking or time out seemed to be working to correct a certain behavior, she wasn’t even moved to tears by my spankings. She shrugged, no kidding, she shrugged at the idea of a spanking. However, Emily is allowed to stay up an hour after Anna goes to bed. When I took that privilege away from her she was moved to change her attitude. This may be a good idea for a parent out there, so I thought I would share. With that said trust that you know your children, you know what is important to them, and you know what will motivate change. Use it.