Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum
I was watching ABC’s “Good Morning America” a few months ago,(June 2006) and they had a mother and daughter on who had together written a book,“Come Back: A Mother and Daughter’s Journey through Hell and Back”. The daughter was a “cutter” (a loose definition is someone who cuts themselves causing physical pain, to escape emotional pain.) They were telling their stories, the mother’s story of what she went through to save her daughter, and the daughter telling what she went through and the things she had to face to overcome this addiction. The pain for the daughter started with her parents’ arguements, and then eventually divorce, and it spriraled from there. She eventually ran away from home, and it took sometime for her mother and step-father to find her, and even longer to get her the help she needed.
The thing that struck me the most about their story was how this was a typical suburban family. They lived nicely, and there was not abuse in the home. Both parents, and the step parents, seemed to care for this young lady, and provided all they could to make her happy. So what was the problem? The mother went on to tell how during therapy and healing they learned that you can tell your children all day long how beautiful they are, how much they are loved, and how much they can accomplish. But, what they see you do has a far greater impact than what they hear you say.
Children receive their identities from their parents. Are you generally happy with your life? When you tell your children they can do or be anything, are you accomplishing your dreams or do you live with regrets? When you tell them how beautiful they are, do you feel good about your self image, or do you complain more about the parts you don’t like? My biggest weakness is my weight, and I have struggled with my self-image all my life (as did my mother). And I have heard my 4 year old make comments about being fat, or not wanting to be. OK, she is so thin we have to buy pants with adjustable waist and draw them all the way up! So where is she getting it from? I could say TV, but let’s be real. She does not watch TV near as much as she watches me. What I have come to realize is that when my daughter is down on herself, it is I she is imitating. I am the mirror my daughters look into.
Thus not taking time to nurture your spirit, not doing the things you want to do, or being the person you want to be does not make you a martyr for the sake of motherhood. Mothers who love life will have children who love life. Mothers who love themselves, will have children that will love themselves. Your children, escpecially your daughters, want to see that they can have a great marriage, and wonderful children, AND whatever dreams they have. [Whether it be staying at home,or being a Doctor, dancer, or dog walker (HA)]
And they will know this by you giving them an example to follow.
Now in my desire to be a good mom and not have my daughters share the same struggles as me, I am faced with taking a good look in the mirror myself. After all, no matter how much I think my girls are listening, they’re watching even more closely.
What do your children see in the mirror?
I do agree with the point of your post, but you are mistaken about the situation surrounding the mother and daughter in Come Back. There was abuse in the family. The daughter was sexually abused by her father as a very young child. It was that and not the parents arguing that caused her problems.
The biological father was the abuser not the stepfather she lived with most of her life. I didn’t know if that was clear from my comment.