Angel's Reflections

Ben and I have used a parenting method from the time Emily was born called “Growing Kids God’s Way” or “Baby Wise.” While we have not read all the material we have found the infant and toddler information very helpful. One of the philosophies this program supports is that the nucleus of the family is around the parents. We were a family before you got here, and you are a beautiful addition to this family. However mommy and daddy need to have their time, thus keeping the family and child happier long term. They, as well as I with my own children, have seen that children need to see their parents interacting with each other in a conversational, relational way. If they see us doing more than co-existing then they are secure in the family’s existence.

I know what you are thinking, they can not process all of that. While this may be true you would be amazed at what showing your spouse a little affection in front of your child can do for their attitude. One incident in their book that they describe is how one couple was having a problem with their toddler waking up in the middle of the night. The Ezzo’s asked how much “couch time” they were spending together. (Couch time is an activity in which mom and dad give each other at least 15 minutes of undivided attention talking to each other while sitting on the couch, while the children do not interrupt them. It is reinforcing the children to respect mommy and daddy’s space as well as showing them that mommy comes first.) They said none, but that they were spending plenty of time with the child. The Ezzo’s suggested that the reason the child was getting up every night was because it was the only time he saw them together, working together to solve this problem. They then challenged them to begin their 15 minutes couch time again. Of course the child resisted and tried to interrupt their time, which they refused to let him do. However within the first two nights the child resumed his sleeping through the night. He simply needed the security that mommy and daddy were okay.

How does this tie into Emily’s favorite sound? Well, I went to a Parent/Teacher conference this past Monday; she has been keeping a “journal” in preschool. In it she had to answer “what’s your favorite thing to see, touch, smell, taste, and hear?” Her response to “what’s your favorite thing to hear?”….”Mommy and Daddy talking” I think that says it all, doesn’t it?

Try implementing 15 minute couch time in your home for a week, and see what changes. Here is what you do. When Daddy comes in he can say hello to everyone, and then he spends 15 minutes with mommy (it can be that he sits while you cook. Ben has even started helping me cook.:) ) The idea here is that he is putting mommy first. It is the core relationship and when it is strong the family unit is strong. Of course the children may resist at first, (if you have infants now is the perfect time to start this practice they will learn this is part of the routine) but it will make things stronger and healthier for all.

This will be helpful, especially if you are having struggles in discipline, or difficult behaviors.

1) Are expectations clearly communicated?
Have a sit down and clearly tell your children what you expect of them. If you went to a job and the boss gave you no direction and then yelled at you because you had not gotten something finished, wouldn’t you feel confused?

2) List 4 primary expectations for your household.
(Example: NO hitting, pushing, or biting!) Write out the “House Rules” and place it where it can be seen. Discuss and decided on the rules with your spouse before sitting down with the kids.

3) Do you have clear consequences for misbehavior?
It is good that you and the children know what the consequence is for each behavior, it dissolves irrational consequences in anger or frustration.

4) List the consequence that corresponds to the expectation.
Possibly involve your children in this. Ask them what they think should happen if they lie to mommy or daddy. Then, when it is time to execute the discipline, you can remind them that they agreed to the consequence.

5) Do you have any reward system for meeting and/or exceeding expectations? Do you encourage your children to continue to behave?

6) List rewards for meeting the expectations.

7) If a child does not do as asked the first time, what happens?
You will always have to tell your child what to do as many times as you are willing to before administering the consequences of not listening.

8) Do we allow our children to make some choices, or do we dictate all behaviors?
It is good at a certain age to allow your children to make choices such as “May I take the trash out at commercial”. If it is not imperative that they take it out right that moment, then allow them some freedom of when, however have them say when they will do it, this forms an agreement with you. If they do not do it when they agree to, they loose the privilege of making that choice.

I am not a perfect mother. I am not a perfect wife, and I am not a perfect woman. Big shock?! Yeah well, let me just go ahead and put it out there.

Have you ever had one of those days where you are great with the kids, seem to stay on top of the house work, your five year old cleans her room without being asked, dinner is on the table promptly at 5 pm, as hubby walks in the door. You have had a shower today, so you are looking great, and he notices. The children are well behaved little angels at the dinner table, tucking themselves into bed so you can relax this evening with your bubble bath (yep you get two baths) and candles and favorite magazine while your husband cleans the kitchen from dinner, because he is the world’s greatest husband…

Once, one time I had a day like that, maybe not even that good, but as close as it ever will be. Since every day can not go as smoothly as this one described, there are more days than not that our voices are raised more than they should be. Your 2 year old does not get adequately punished for hitting her sister, because if you have to put her in time out one more time and have her laugh at this concept, you are going to scream at the voice in your head, that sounds a lot like your mother, telling you “one day you are going to have a little girl just like YOU, and I am going to laugh.” Of course then your oldest is upset because she is being hit and has no resolution. The house is a wreck, even though you have cleaned 4 times today, your husband walks in the door, as you are headed out to an activity you volunteered for. As you walk out you inform him it is “Fend for yourself night” and the oldest has already picked out her cheese, crackers, and marshmallows for dinner. And you know what? You do not care, but are thankful to get in the car to have a few minutes alone. Sound more familiar?

Most days are somewhere in between these 2 days for us, and because I am not perfect I have had to learn the art of apologizing to my children. So many times we make them apologize for bad attitudes, being ugly to someone, and sassing us. Yet, how many times are we guilty of the same things. While to some this may seem like common sense, I am not sure it is for everyone. I remember watching sitcoms on t.v. where D.J. and her dad got in a fight, dad realized he was wrong and heads upstairs to have a wonderful daddy/daughter talk with lots of hugs at the end. I remember longing for that, but alas I usually fell asleep before anyone came in the room.

Saying you are sorry to your kids is important. We are teaching them that even as adults we will make mistakes, but that we strive to do better because we love them. They can handle your imperfection, they already know you are not perfect. Try admitting it and see how forgiving they become, and how much they respect you for living what you teach.

By the way, your kids never get to old to hear you say “I’m Sorry”.

Sexualised images in the media are psychologically damaging young girls and corrupting childhood, according to a group of psychologists.
The report says that virtually all media forms are promoting inappropriate images of products such as toys and clothing that are harmful to girls’ self image and healthy development.
It specifically criticises Bratz dolls, which come dressed in miniskirts and fishnet stockings and outsell Barbie dolls in Britain by two to one. Asda has been condemned for marketing black lacy underwear to nine-year-olds.

The American Psychological Association’s (APA) report says that marketing companies take advantage of youngsters’ desire for affection and the need to conform, leading to eating disorders, low self-esteem and depression. Academics believe that the influence and attitudes of parents, siblings, and friends can also add to the pressures of sexualisation.

Eileen Zurbriggen, the APA’s chairman, said: “The consequences of the sexualisation of girls in media are likely to be a negative influence on girls’ healthy development. We have ample evidence to conclude that sexualisation has negative effects in a variety of domains, including cognitive functioning, physical and mental health, and healthy sexual development.” The report says that parents can play a role in contributing to the sexualisation of their daughters or can play a protective and educative role.
~ “The London Times”

I would like to address something I have been faced with, the ever growing sex symbol of the five year old. As parents we struggle with the fine balance of not wanting to completely shelter our children, to wanting to give them the most positive of role models, and influences. Personally when my daughter was younger, like 2 or 3, I decided I would not buy her barbies for a long time. I bought her Groovy Girls, (which is a “hip”, yet flat chested, no curves, plush doll) to play with. Then she suddenly began getting Barbies from family and friends from everywhere. I could not control it without being ugly. Finally, I conceded to the Barbies, and she now has the car, the house, and plenty of boyfriends.

Then they came out with the Bratz doll. This is where I had to draw the line. I was very clear with Emily why I did not like them. They show her an image of sexy that I never want her to look like. I mean come on, even as a teenager she will not be allowed to wear such clothing as these dolls do, much less as much makeup, and yet she would have these as her role models at five!

The other day my five year old comes home from church upset because the “ring leader” child in her class told her if she did not bring makeup to church for them to play with she could not play with them. She was very upset, because she knew I would not let her have real makeup. I had to have a conversation with my five year old that anyone that demands this is not a good friend, and you need to find friends who do not require that you give them something to be their friend. This little girl was the daughter of one of the sweetest women, which I love. Yet I don’t even know if I want my child hanging out with her because of the influence this little girl brings. Did I mention these girls are FIVE , not Fifteen?!

I know lots of parents, which I adore personally, who buy their kids these dolls, and other things I will not let my daughter have, watch, or play with. I do not think they are bad parents, I assume they do not see the harm in it. I have been put in awkward positions with parents to have to say we do not agree with having these dolls. I have had to tell my family that I do not let my daughter wear bikinis. (Why? Because if it is ok at five, six, and ten, to them it is ok at 15. While I know many wear them and see no harm, I again am stressing that modesty is important. As an adult to make that choice is fine with me, I have seen very decent and modest 2 pieces. However, as the above article said, this is an immature age, learning sexual identity and how to get affection and attention; they do not understand the lines of healthy attention and affection. Everything is being soaked in and absorbed, and the more I allow now the more she will demand and see as acceptable later.) For me, I figure this is just a small dose of learning, and teaching my children, that “What is popular is not always right, and what is right, is not always popular.”