Freedoms greater than self control = Developmental Confusion
Freedoms less than self control = Developmental Frustration
Freedoms equal to self control = Developmental Harmony
“On Becoming Toddler Wise”
Freedom = Responsibility. Recently, my sister confessed that she does not give her five year old enough responsibility. My sister is the oldest daughter, second to my brother, who let’s just say, bailed on the oldest child responsibilities. Jo was overburdened with responsibility as a child, and has at times felt frustrated at not having that much of a childhood. (I have often told others she was my second mother.) She admits this has an effect on her not giving her oldest daughter more responsibility. One morning she gets up to find that her daughter has unloaded the dishwasher completely, and stacked the dishes she could not reach on the counter under the cabinets they belonged in. She was shocked to find that her daughter could even do this. I think a lot of us would be shocked at what our children can do. The point is her daughter was not given responsibility, she took it, which was a sign to my sister that maybe she needed it.
Giving our children responsibility may be difficult; they may even balk at times, but it is important for them to feel a part of the family. They need to feel that they are contributing, and that they have a sense of purpose. There have been times in my life where Ben, my husband, will cook and clean dinner for me to give me a break. In the times when all I have to do is sit in front of the TV, I become restless. Although part of it is that I am not used to doing this, I feel as if I am not contributing. If Ben always treated me this way, never allowing or expecting me to do anything, I would begin to feel unnecessary to the family. Although our children cannot intellectualize this thought, the feelings are still the same.
This truth is the same with toddlers to teens. As we implement this, however, we must be careful to strike the balance. For instance, Emily (5) can clean her room on her own; Anna (2) still has me standing over her telling her where each toy goes, yet the praise she receives is still the same. Each one is living up to the development of her age. If I was still having to stand over Emily she would not be living up to her potential. Likewise, if I was getting frustrated that Anna cannot do it on her own, I would be enforcing unreasonable standards. (Here I must add, if your child is 5 and you have not started teaching them how to clean their room, they do not know how to do it. Don’t become frustrated with them either.)
The Academy of Pediatrics says these things are all crucial to building their self esteem:
A sense of responsibility. Give your child a chance to show what she is capable of doing. Allow her to take on tasks without being checked on all the time. This shows trust on your part, a sort of “letting go” with a sense of faith.
A sense of contribution. Your child will develop a sense of importance and commitment if you give her opportunities to participate and contribute in a meaningful way to an activity. Let her know that she really counts.
A sense of purpose. Your child should have goals that give her purpose and direction and an avenue for channeling her energy toward achievement and self-expression. If she lacks a sense of purpose, she may feel bored, aimless, even resentful at being pushed in certain directions by you or others.
