Recently, on a social site I frequent, I read the following “questions” a mom was asking concerning spanking:
You know, the question of whether to discipline by physical means – slapping, smacking, spanking etc has been raised a few times lately. I am not judging anybody who chooses to use these means of discipline, however these are some questions that have been going round and round in my head today…
1. At what age do people decide it is ok to do this to their infant/child?
2. At what age would they cease doing this to their child/teenager?
3. How would they feel if somebody else disciplined their child in this manner?
4. Do they consider that if they did the same to their spouse – that it would be domestic violence?
5. What if they did it to someone outside the family – then it would be assault?
6. Have they tried alternative forms of discipline?
7. Don’t they worry that their children will fear them – not respect them?
8. When does spanking change from strict discipline to abuse?
9. How successful is this form of punishment – does the child learn a lesson from what they did wrong – or do they only remember the punishment?
10. What gives us the right to inflict pain on our offspring, when it would be illegal to do it to anyone else?
11. Why would we want to inflict pain on our own children, when we have so many alternatives available?
12. What kind of example is being provided to them, by using corporal punishment – what have they learned?
Here is my response: I always think it is interesting that when people say “I am not judging anybody…” They usually proceed to do just that. I can not tell everyone what is right or wrong in their own family. But I can say that bruises, bleeding, or permanent damage is definitely a boundary. Mine is we DO NOT hit in anger, period. Any corporal punishment is done in control, and as controlled as any of the other many methods we use like time out, or logical consequence. Someone once told me that they thought time out was bad. They felt like you were saying “You have been bad so you do not get to be around me.” Which of course I, along with many others, would disagree with this opinion. That is the point, it is an opinion.
Yes, I do think spanking my children has produced results, and I think that the most important thing in discipline and teaching them a lesson is the follow up. WHY they got a spanking, and WHY what they did is wrong. Just like any discipline technique.
As far as them remembering the punishment, isn’t that the point? If you get a speeding ticket why do you decide not to speed anymore. You knew it was wrong to begin with, but now you fear the punishment. (Which is another point. This is when a spanking may be in order in our home. According to Dr. James Dobson, spanking should be used when it is a direct defiance of the rules.
As a Christian I find scripture to be my guideline. Proverbs 23:13 -14 in the message translation says “Don’t be afraid to correct your young ones; a spanking won’t kill them.A good spanking, in fact, might save them from something worse than death.” Lisa Whelchel (minister and former actress of “The Facts of Life” as “Blair”) says she would rather cause a little pain now to teach them to respect authority, to save them a lot of pain later for not respecting authority. I am of the same opinion. Proverbs 20:30 says “A good thrashing purges evil; punishment goes deep within us.”
The difference between domestic abuse and a spanking is that domestic abuse, as well as child abuse, is usually done in anger, and leaves marks. Abuse is usually preceded by and followed by verbal and emotional abuse. Derogating and humiliating the abused. My discipline of my children is not in anger, nor does it leave marks in anyway. Plus, as far as the difference between me spanking my child and my husband hitting me… it is not my husbands job to teach me anything, thus he has no reason to discipline me. It is a different relationship.
“At what age do people decide it is ok to do this to their infant/child?”
“At what age would they cease doing this to their child/teenager?”
For me a pop on the hand can be at an early age. I think that before they are a teenager, more than likely by about 8 or 9 spanking would stop. Why? Because they are more logical in their thinking process than toddlers, and there are many other forms of discipline available. At 18 months or 2 years old, you can not always rationalize with them like you can an older child.
Would I let someone else spank my child?
It would depend on my relationship with them, because I do agree that this form of discipline is precarious. I do allow other family members, but most child care providers I limit them to other forms. However if the consequence calls for a spanking I will back it up myself.
And finally do my children fear me? NO! How do I know? Well, first I think the reason they do not is because I am not abusive. I do not just fly off the handle and attack them. That is the fear. I have been spanked, and I have been abused. There is a difference. There is a difference between a calm parent explaining and administering a form of discipline, and one who abuses. In abuse, the child has no idea when the parent is going to loose it and fly off and hit them. How do I know my children don’t fear me? Because they are not afraid to love me, hug me, question me, or discuss things with me, even seconds after the spanking. Someone who is in fear and abused would not do these things. They cower to their abuser.
For more on my spanking philosophy, and guidelines, click here.
How refreshing— another Mom who admits she spanks and also has a rational discussion of it.
I am pro-spanking. And I do not consider it just a “last resort”. The thing with me is I actually believe that talking with kids usually is effective. But, there are times when punishment is called for–and I have come to believe that spanking is more effective, and actually fairer than the time outs, etc–it is over quickly, the point is made and we can move on.
As a result my daughter is punished less than most kids, but she is spanked more.
I have actually done some research on this issue and the surprising thing is how deeply flawed are the studies finding that spanking will not only make your child into a violent psychopath but is responsible for many of the ills of the world.
The studies are deeply flawed and inconclusive at best. The ironic thing is that there are actually a couple of very good studies (from a methodological and statistical standpoint) which found that spanking not only does not make children violent, but is the MOST effective way to get them to comply with their parents’ wishes. Of course, these are never mentioned in the main stream press or in the parenting books.
But I mainly spank–because of the results I have seen since I started spanking ( although I was spanked as a child, when I went to college, under the influence of psychology and education professors, I begain to believe how totally barbaric it was and was grateful I was not a neurotic mess–especially since I was usually spanked in the very worst way–on my bare fanny).
I do think, and not long ago I saw a survey which confirmed this, that a lot of us younger parents are spanking more. I think we are just sick of all the brats and Supernanny nonsense.
The no spanking social experiment, which started in the 1950’s, has been an utter failure.
Sorry to go on so long and rant–but I stumbled upon this blog and needed to vent. I really need to do a series on this subject on my blog. So far I have been reluctant to do so because people get so hysterical about it. But one of these days I will bite the bullet and do a whole series.
~Becky
i used to lightly swat my children’s bums when they were toddlers if they were doing things unsafe. i then stopped for years due to social ideas about how bad spanking can be. the result has been that i now have a 9 year old daughter who is rude, bossy, disrespectful and incorrigible. i have decided to get back to basics and have started spanking again. i hope i can get it through her head that this kind of disrespect for me and others will not be tolerated any longer.