Have you ever gone to a job and they said “Ok, Mrs. So’n’So, go to work!” No explanation of the job description or expectations of your performance. This would be very frustrating right? Worse yet what if that same boss came in and yelled at you, or docked your pay, because certain tasks were not performed that he did not tell you had to be done in the first place. This is also the same frustration that children, from toddlers to teens, can sometimes feel with us as parents. We take for granted what they know and don’t know as appropriate behavior.
Thus, the reason that we need to set clear expectations for our children. Telling your child up front what you expect of them can help alleviate alot of tantrums and embarrassing behavior. Avoiding the tantrum at the grocery store begins in the car ride on the way. Example (In the car on the way to Target): “Emily, we are going to Target and I have quite a few things on my list to get. I need you to help me with good behavior. I need you to stay with me and if you can’t you will have to sit in the buggy. I expect no tantrums and if you ask for something and I say “no” I expect a “yes ma’am” do you understand?” She fully understands and is prepared for what she is getting into. We are not going to shop for toys, we are not here for a field trip, we are here to do what mommy needs to do this time. You would be amazed at how effective this is.
In the past we have had some problems with Emily making comments about gifts like “I already have that,” or “I don’t like that”. This was very disheartening since we know how this hurts the gift givers feelings, and you do not want your child to be (or thought to be) ungrateful. So, first we sat and had a long chat about “it’s the thought that counts”. We explained that when you open a gift your first thought should be “Aunt Jo Jo bought this gift for me thinking of how much she loved me, and wanted to please me. This is reason enough to say thank you”. Then on the way to her birthday party we went over it again, and asked her “what is the appropriate response to someone when you open a gift? What do you say when it is a gift that you don’t like?”
She passed with flying colors and we were so proud. There was even a moment when she opened a gift that she knew we had already told her she could not have. I could see the look on her face, that “Hmmm I am supposed to be nice, but I know mommy doesn’t allow me to have this toy.” I whispered “it’s ok, just say thank you,” and she did. I could tell she was really processing the idea of being kind, and this was the most important lesson.
Trips, or times around other people, are not the only time to set expectations. I set the timer and tell Emily what task I want her to do. Cleaning her room at 5 is doable for her. I tell what I expect to see when the timer goes off. Bed made, toys put away, and dresser cleaned off (it’s her “catch-all” spot). The timer gets her moving, especially since I could give her 30 minutes but she doesn’t know the difference between 30 minutes and 30 seconds. (It’s like a ticking time-bomb.) However, I do give her a 5 minute warning to the timer, with a “pre-view” room check. (You do not want them to fail; give them the chance to get it right.)
You should make your expectations very clear, and doable (Age appropriate). It is also a good time to go over the rewards and consequences during this defining of expectations. If they behave in the grocery store, they can have a piece of bubblegum. If they do not they will lose a privilege when they get home, or have to sit in time-out. Do not promise a consequence that you can not enforce as this will prove detrimental to your leverage.
Be clear about house rules.
Create a house rules list on a piece of posterboard and clearly write out the rules and consequences.
Rule 1– We will keep our hands to ourselves.
Consequence: Time-out.
Rule 2– No yelling through the house, or beckoning someone from another room. (I hate this, and am very guilty of it too!)
Rule 3– No ugly language, or disrespectful talk
Consequence: Vinegar on the tongue. (There is no pain with vinegar, it is just bitter. My explanation of this action is logical. Bitter speech of the tongue, bitter taste. When you use words to hurt, or attitude, it leaves a bitter feeling in you and the person you speak to, just like the vinegar.)
If age appropriate, writing a scripture of Eph. 4:29, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
A few appropriate consequences:
~Time-out: 1 minute per year of age. “Time out” time does not start until the child has quit crying or playing around. (Mine is 20 months old, and she gets 1 to 1 1/2 minutes. She not only understands, but if she starts feeling out of control will actually go to the laundry room, where her time-out chair is, and shut the door.)
~Loss of a privilege (park trip, special play time, or, toys are a privilege)
~Sometimes just not getting the reward is punishment enough.
Rewards:
~ Emily (5yrs) loves extended bedtime.
~ A small treat.
~ If it is a chore completed, a commission. (I give Emily 25 cents for cleaning her room. Not a quarter, but two dimes and a nickel. It feels like more to her 🙂 )
~ Use sticker charts (DLTK cards is a free site where you can create and print your own charts, and reward certificates. Like “This entitles you to 30 minutes of staying up late, for good behavior”)
For older kids the loss of computer time, phone privileges, or social interaction is a VERY effective consequence!
All I can say about your post is AMEN! Parents can become so busy these days that they forget to talk to their children about expectations. And many times general expectations don’t carry over to specific tasks…you have to reiterate. GREAT post!!
I was just able to complete this “article”. Hang with me Angel and you may see my point. Only a minor disagreement, but none the less a Growing Kids God’s Way principle to be considered.
I will address 2 things. 1) Rewards are meant only to be given on occassion for good behavior. Good behavior in the grocery store does not equal a piece of gum. We should expect our children to enter the store and behave because that is the expectation we have given them. An occassional reward for positive reinforcement is good I think, but not something to be consistent with. Use praise and positive words. Add a sticker to a chart, then once you’ve had several succeful “grocery trips” reward at that time. You’ve got to have the behavior without the reward or it is a bribe. 2) Payment for chores…..this is a big deal in the Krause House now that I have an almost 9 year old, but we are sticking to our orginal conviction. Go back to being a welcome member of the family in Babywise. Does a member of the family need to be paid to keep their personal space clean? This is a huge deal in some families and many people differ. Everyone is entitled to their own way of doing things, but I wanted to share ours. In our home you are doing your part in the family by keeping your personal space clean.
Mom doesn’t get monetary pay off for doing the laundry or keeping her room clean. She is doing her part in the family.
You don’t get monetary pay for feeding the dog or setting the table. It is part of being in a family and family helps out.
Now that being said let me say…..I do pay Zach for things like vacuming (sp?) the stairs and cleaning bathrooms. That is out of his “scope” of chores. He earned alot of money for vacation this summer helping me keep the house up when we had it on the market. Think about what is age appropriate and then set your boundaries. You want your child to understand the value of a dollar and not expect an allowance at 10. They need to understand that money is earned by doing more than your part in the family. When they are the mommy/daddy they won’t get paid for being the mommy/daddy. When kids are small use a reward chart for good clean up jobs and celebrate with a trip to the park when they have done a good job for several days. This way you instill good work habits. Believe me…at age 8 you will be wishing that no one would have ever invented allowances.
When your kids are old enough use the “rock” experiment from Growing Kids God’s Way. They will learn the value of a dollar then. 1 bucket of rocks equals 25 cents. Move them to the other side of the yard. Oh, How I sometimes wish for a rock pile at my house. Maybe I will have one put in at our new home.
This article has alot to say. We would all do well to even do a portion of it some days. Thanks Angel.
While I agree with all that Kelly says, not paying a child for being a contributing member of the family, it is important to find things they can do to earn money. Right now we are not only teaching Emily the value of a dollar, but saving, and tithing principles.
We do the sticker chart, and then if everything is completed at the end of the day she receives her comission. (She does not get “paid” for good behavior, but for extra’s that she does above and beyond her contribution to being a part of the family.(i.e. on her chart one place says “One extra thing for mommy” . After she has cleaned her toys and gotten ready for bed, I think of one thing I need her to do that night. This is her comission earning. It not only helps me out, but it pushes her to get her regular things done quickly, because if they are not done before bedtime, she does not get the opportunity.) I agree with kelly in that rewards are fantastic motivators, but we have to not slide down the slippery slope of bribery.
As I said in my article, rewards are teaching tools. Not a way of life. Emily doesn’t really receive rewards for good behavior in the grocery store anymore. But she does if she can wipe down the bathroom sink without my help because this is a knew thing I am teaching her, and beyond the scope of an average contributing 5 year old. (NO, I am not a slave driver)
Thanks Kelly! 🙂
Didn’t figure you were a slave driver. I wanted everyone to understand that there is a fine line that we parents walk. And that mom’s of preschoolers can get caught in a trap of “rewarding” that can bite you in the behind later. Should have kept my mouth shut.
You seem to have covered it nicely in your article today.