What is the difference between respect and honor? Believe it or not, there is a big difference. The bible says to “Honor our parents,” but there are other places where the word “respect” or “fear” is used. Now why would we “fear” God? Isn’t He loving and compassionate? Respect is more of a synonym to Fear than the word Honor. Respect has an element of fear in it. We respect the laws of the land, police officers, judges, and our parents. Honor is “treating people as special, doing more than what is expected, and having a good attitude” according to “Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes…in You and Your Kids”
“Respect acknowledges a person’s position; Honor attaches worth to that person as an individual. Respect teaches manners, and proper behavior in the prescence of others; Honor teaches an appreciation of that person.”
Both honor and respect have their place in a family. When the children are younger they need to learn respect, but as they grow older we do not want them to do right only because they fear consequence, but also because they honor and value the authority and they understand why they should do the right thing. This is what establishes long term character, and ensures them doing the “right thing” even when no one is watching.
So how do we begin teaching this to our children? First, I think we need to model it. “Say Goodbye to Whining…” used an example of a mom who was frustrated with her 14 year old. He was not disobedient, if she asked him to perform a certain task he would do it, but he was not honoring. She asked him to begin working on honoring her. Look around and find things you can do before I have to point them out to you. This is honoring his mother. So Ben and I have started trying to apply this to our marriage, and what do you know it has helped our attitudes towards each other, and in our daughter! He comes out of the office (he works from home) and is exhausted. I say, “why don’t you go upstairs and spend 20 minutes alone reading or watching the news, then come down for dinner”. Then I will ask Emily if she will help me finish dinner, set the table etc. so Daddy can go rest. I am teaching her to think of someone else, do more than is expected. Ben will not only help clean the kitchen after dinner, but empty the trash, and sweep the floors. He knows it is something I ask him to do on a regular basis, now he takes the time to do a little extra every night. This is honoring me! After Emily has finished her chores, whatever she is expected to do, we ask her to look around the house and find one extra thing she can do to help mommy and daddy. This is honoring!
Of course, respect has to come first. In teaching your children to not argue with you every time you ask them to do something, you might want to use the “Obey first and then discuss it” method. For example: “Emily, it is time to get your PJ’s on for bed” . . . “But I don’t want to go to bed yet” . . . “Obey first then we will discuss it.” Once she has obeyed you then you can take the time to explain to her that this is her bedtime, she needs plenty of rest, etc. Don’t allow your child to argue and not obey; this is not respectful, and is used as a stall tactic. Now, it is also important for you to show them that you honor them as a person. Be willing to discuss, not argue, things with them at the appropriate time. The “obey first, and then we will discuss it” method is really useful when you are in a hurry or in public, where you REALLY just need them to do something right then. However, don’t let this go to far, obviously if little Suzy needs to go potty before you leave, you do not want to discuss it in the car! 🙂
Excellent post!